You just couldn't let that opportunity pass, could you? You had to
[ He paused, taking an extra moment to consider what he'd just been told. He was still angry, sure, but he couldn't ignore the guilt that had begun to rise up in him either. ]
You know what? Say what you want, Ed. I deserve it.
You're right. You deserve honesty. I'll give you the truth, Ed, but it can't be like this. I need to say it to your face. It's the only way you might understand. What I deserve after that I'll leave in your hands.
[ What more was there to say than that? He didn't know. All the weeks he had spent slaving over the right things to say and he still hadn't figured out anything. Was there a right way? Could there ever be? Or was the affection he couldn't extinguish, couldn't hide, the thing that would destroy what they did have? It was just another uncertainty. In that moment the only thing he could be sure of is that secrecy itself wasn't going to be what tore them apart. The thought of what would come after that was perhaps the most frightening thing Oswald had ever faced in his life, but Ed had a right to know. He'd had the right to know from the start.
For a time Oswald had taken to pacing the living area, his nerves increasing with every passing second of wondering where Ed was and what he was thinking. The suspense and torment of waiting was only fair. He'd done it to the person he claimed he loved, hadn't he? Maybe he was too selfish for love. Too... greedy. Eventually he found himself on the couch, face in his hands and a cloud of desperation hanging over him. He was going to ruin everything and Ed would hate him forever and he couldn't do a damned thing to stop what was coming. Why why why had he not been honest sooner? ]
[ Ed keeps him waiting for at least five minutes. Intentionally. Truth be told, he was already in the room and simply backed out when he told him to meet him there. Just to see what he'd do. How he's reacting. If Ed can guess what it is that's driving Oswald to hold it to himself so deeply before he goes in there and tries to provoke it out of him.
He's off to the side, in the doorway. Craning his neck to look at him from the hall. A little out of sight but not really. If Oswald really looked, he'd see him.
The pacing is a sign of increasing nerves. Oswald thinks Ed will hate him for, he deduces. Guilty but he doesn't know of what. He can't think of anything he did wrong towards him. When he sinks down on the couch, he moves ahead into the room. He looks so sad and he doesn't want to see it. ]
Oswald. [ He doesn't know if he should even be mad or not. Oswald seems to think he's justified on it but Oswald also thought he had to rig an entire election because he doesn't know what people are thinking about him. Ed decides he's just mad about being favored second for things.
His expression probably comes off a little cold that way, calculating. Eyes flickering about Oswald's face to try and notice any subtle change in emotion and trying to get into his head and solve it before he says anything. ]
[ Of course, he didn't look. Ed had probably known that he wouldn't. The other man likely knew most of his tendencies and habits better than he himself did by now. Oswald hadn't guessed how long he would be sitting there like that, but he had assumed it would be longer and that he would have at least heard Ed coming in so that he could pretend to not be a complete mess if even for a second. But he'd been completely caught off guard, the way he jumped in his seat and took a sharp intake of air as he let his hands fall a more than telling indication of such. ]
Ed? [ His trepidation was quite clear by his tone, almost as if he had been on the verge of crying. That calculating look on his face only made the knot of anxiety in his stomach knot further. He made himself stand, but his eyes were on Ed for only a few stray seconds before his gaze fell downward. ] I-I hadn't expected you so soon.
[ His lips downturn, until he puts them together tightly. Oswald looks like he's on the edge of a meltdown. What did he do to get there? What did you do? Ed's glad he caught this. It'll put whatever he says next in a better context. ]
Got out early. Did you need a minute? [ He asks it but they both know Ed's not going to actually give him that minute now. He's not going to leave. But it's still asked, if somewhat less concerned than he might sound if he caught him like this otherwise.
Oswald responds better to emotion. He could approach this differently. Ask what's bothering him nicely, as a friend. But he'll also crack quicker if Ed doesn't give away what he's feeling. This is the way to do it. ]
[ Oswald squeezed his eyes shut for several short moments that felt like several extremely long ones before exhaling and forcing himself to keep his gaze set on Ed. It was hard not to waver when the concern that he usually saw when he was in states like this was replaced with a sternness he wasn't quite used to, but if he could survive all that he had until this point and not stay knocked down surely he could do something as simple as look the person he cared for so deeply in the eye. Surely. ]
No. That won't be necessary. [ As much as part of him wanted to back out, the larger part of him didn't. Couldn't. It wasn't as if he had a choice anyway. He had to face this and he had to do it now. ] I think that perhaps we should sit for this discussion. If you don't mind.
[ Oswald looks unsure on a level he hasn't seen in a while. It doesn't seem right on a face that looks best while holding his chin up. Ed sharpens his gaze, in thought. Out of annoyance that he has to think this hard about it at all. That Oswald is having difficulty even looking at him. A puzzle with a missing piece. I start off light and easy to bear but the more you carry me, the heavier a burden I become. What am I? ]
Fine. [ A gesture at the couch, for Oswald to sit before Ed follows suit. Back straight. Turned enough to look at him straight on. Still searching his face for a tell. The longer this goes, the more uncertain he becomes about what it could be. ] What is it, Oswald?
[ The uncertainty had been there for a while. A long while. He knew very well that he hadn't been the best at hiding it, either, so how was it that Ed hadn't figured him out by now? Or had he but wanted to hear it straight from Oswald himself? Even worse, what if he had intention to reject him before he even managed to say it? But there was no evidence of that. Not yet. He needed to stay focused on the moment he was in, not what would come after. He sat again with a bit of hesitance, and once Ed joined him he could feel his heart rate increasing.
Keep moving forward. Keep moving forward. Ed deserves to know. ]
I... need to ask you something first. You've always been honest with me. You've always trusted me. Why?
[ It's a blind spot. Presumed to be the oddities of real friendship. Of Oswald. He doesn't see the solution to this. Not really. There's a crack in his expression.
A flash of surprise. Confusion. Why is he asking that? ] Why? [ He repeats it. Is this a riddle? ] Because... [ He pauses, carefully considering the answer. He has that one, doesn't he? He licks his lips, looking away from him. Picking and choosing what to say. Because they're best friends. Because he never lied to him, about disliking him or not. And... Why is he asking that? ] Because I believe we're the same. [ Different. No one else measures up.
He states earnestly before his expression tightens, lips pressing together in a thin line again. Suspicious. Paranoid. He looks back at him quickly. ]
Why? [ A pause ] I must admit, if this is some sort of test of my trustworthiness... [ Why would you doubt him? ]
[ Again, he was waiting. Waiting for what Ed would do and say. It was horrible, he knew, but if he reacted with that kind of emotion it had to mean he didn't hate him just yet, didn't it? The constant push and pull of his doubts and hopes vying for control was almost too much, but the answer he got made him take pause.
The same.
Despite himself, a barely visible hint of a smile tugged at his lips. It was small and in a way very insecure, thoughts in the back of his mind telling him he had no business to be smiling at a time like this, but the notion was a comfort. He didn't hate him yet. His own expression was one quick to turn to surprise at what he said next, and without thinking he placed both hands over one of Ed's and shook his head intently. ]
I would never test your trust. I've never even thought about it. Ed, you are not the problem. Not in a single way, I assure you. It's just -- [ He realized it then. The sensation of skin against skin registered in his mind all at once and in a swift instant he withdrew his touch, an intense heat burning at his face in embarrassment. He repositioned himself so that he was turned away from Ed, the hands that were moments ago so at home where they had been now clenched and resting on his knees. Stupid. Moronic. Idiotic.
But he had to keep going. It took him a moment, but he did. ]
The reason I asked is because... because I don't deserve it. [ It was surprising how easily those words came. ] I've lied to you, Ed. In pursuit of keeping my secret I've told you so many mistruths and given so many roundabout answers that I can't possibly deserve your honesty anymore. I... I was selfish and I hurt you.
[ More and more emotion was into his voice and mannerisms as he went on, but as hard as it was he didn't try to vanquish the feelings or put himself in control again. Ed had been vulnerable to him. At his mercy, even. He'd trusted him with the side of himself he'd deemed lesser, yet --
Oswald froze. His expression was hard to pinpoint, but it was certain that he'd just realized something very important. Very important. Something he should have already known, but maybe it had fallen into place just when it needed to. Maybe he could really do this. With a determination he hadn't realized he possessed until that very second, he turned back to face the man beside him. ] There is one thing I haven't trusted you with, Ed, but I do want to share it with you. I'm ready to, if you'll let me. [ He inhaled, knowing that if he opened this door there was no going back. But did he want to go back? ] I'm strong and tough but can be broken in ways. If I stop working it's the end of your days. What am I?
[ Oswald's doubting him and he has no idea why. Ed had suspected at some point, Oswald may think Ed might have outlived his usefulness to him. He tried to make himself invaluable. Irreplaceable. Everything would be entirely off balance if he removed himself or was removed that way.
But Oswald showed up when he hadn't anything to offer so there was a certain camaraderie on top of it. Invaluable as a friend to Oswald, who is a emotional being. The only friend around. And yet here they are and he's been asked to explain why he even bothers. It's insulting. He thought it was obvious they were mutually beneficial to each-other, if only from a business standpoint.
He half expects him to say he's been replaced and services are no longer needed. Jokes on you. Friendship is and always has been a sham. Instead Oswald's got hands over his own and saying something about being undeserving of honesty. There's telling changes, both in tone and movement. That's not it then. Something is very wrong here. Unless this is a trick? Oswald is a convincing liar but not that convincing. There isn't anything to gain.
Ed keeps searching him, that cold look he was trying to keep on him to remain logical in approach is cracking. Ed just looks lost about it now. What deep shameful secret could it possibly be? He starts running a list of things he'd think Oswald would still be embarrassed to share. False identity? A split half that killed the other end? (He would have known that by now.) Disease? (Ed's tested him. He's sure he knows that.) A child? (Highly unlikely.) By all accounts it doesn't make sense and yet he's sat down here like Oswald is about to confess he's on his deathbed due to some horrible experimentation he felt the need to hide for foolish reasons. (Also unlikely.) ]
Your heart. [ . . . ?
Dumbfounded. He stares, unblinking. ] Is something wrong with it? [ How many heart conditions does he know off the top of his head? His father was dying of one before being poisoned by a wretched woman. He could easily solve that one. ]
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Really? I find them quite enjoyable. It's not a concern but your opinion on anything is one I take into account. I thought you knew that.
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Of course I know. How could I not? I just didn't think it would extend as far as what to name a jellyfish.
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Why wouldn't it?
But I'm not going to change the names even if you hate them.
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Because it seems like a small enough matter that you wouldn't need to.
I had a feeling you would say that.
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It is a small matter. Do you not want me to consider your view next time I'm naming something?
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I hadn't meant to imply as such if that's how you took it.
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But I can not consider your opinion the first one I seek out. Take off some pressure. Since it wouldn't be one-sided anymore.
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[ He paused, taking an extra moment to consider what he'd just been told. He was still angry, sure, but he couldn't ignore the guilt that had begun to rise up in him either. ]
You know what? Say what you want, Ed. I deserve it.
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I don't want there to be secrets between us anymore.
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[ What more was there to say than that? He didn't know. All the weeks he had spent slaving over the right things to say and he still hadn't figured out anything. Was there a right way? Could there ever be? Or was the affection he couldn't extinguish, couldn't hide, the thing that would destroy what they did have? It was just another uncertainty. In that moment the only thing he could be sure of is that secrecy itself wasn't going to be what tore them apart. The thought of what would come after that was perhaps the most frightening thing Oswald had ever faced in his life, but Ed had a right to know. He'd had the right to know from the start.
For a time Oswald had taken to pacing the living area, his nerves increasing with every passing second of wondering where Ed was and what he was thinking. The suspense and torment of waiting was only fair. He'd done it to the person he claimed he loved, hadn't he? Maybe he was too selfish for love. Too... greedy. Eventually he found himself on the couch, face in his hands and a cloud of desperation hanging over him. He was going to ruin everything and Ed would hate him forever and he couldn't do a damned thing to stop what was coming. Why why why had he not been honest sooner? ]
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He's off to the side, in the doorway. Craning his neck to look at him from the hall. A little out of sight but not really. If Oswald really looked, he'd see him.
The pacing is a sign of increasing nerves. Oswald thinks Ed will hate him for, he deduces. Guilty but he doesn't know of what. He can't think of anything he did wrong towards him. When he sinks down on the couch, he moves ahead into the room. He looks so sad and he doesn't want to see it. ]
Oswald. [ He doesn't know if he should even be mad or not. Oswald seems to think he's justified on it but Oswald also thought he had to rig an entire election because he doesn't know what people are thinking about him. Ed decides he's just mad about being favored second for things.
His expression probably comes off a little cold that way, calculating. Eyes flickering about Oswald's face to try and notice any subtle change in emotion and trying to get into his head and solve it before he says anything. ]
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Ed? [ His trepidation was quite clear by his tone, almost as if he had been on the verge of crying. That calculating look on his face only made the knot of anxiety in his stomach knot further. He made himself stand, but his eyes were on Ed for only a few stray seconds before his gaze fell downward. ] I-I hadn't expected you so soon.
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Got out early. Did you need a minute? [ He asks it but they both know Ed's not going to actually give him that minute now. He's not going to leave. But it's still asked, if somewhat less concerned than he might sound if he caught him like this otherwise.
Oswald responds better to emotion. He could approach this differently. Ask what's bothering him nicely, as a friend.
But he'll also crack quicker if Ed doesn't give away what he's feeling. This is the way to do it. ]
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No. That won't be necessary. [ As much as part of him wanted to back out, the larger part of him didn't. Couldn't. It wasn't as if he had a choice anyway. He had to face this and he had to do it now. ] I think that perhaps we should sit for this discussion. If you don't mind.
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Fine. [ A gesture at the couch, for Oswald to sit before Ed follows suit. Back straight. Turned enough to look at him straight on. Still searching his face for a tell. The longer this goes, the more uncertain he becomes about what it could be. ] What is it, Oswald?
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Keep moving forward. Keep moving forward. Ed deserves to know. ]
I... need to ask you something first. You've always been honest with me. You've always trusted me. Why?
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A flash of surprise. Confusion. Why is he asking that? ] Why? [ He repeats it. Is this a riddle? ] Because... [ He pauses, carefully considering the answer. He has that one, doesn't he? He licks his lips, looking away from him. Picking and choosing what to say. Because they're best friends. Because he never lied to him, about disliking him or not. And... Why is he asking that? ] Because I believe we're the same. [ Different. No one else measures up.
He states earnestly before his expression tightens, lips pressing together in a thin line again. Suspicious. Paranoid. He looks back at him quickly. ]
Why? [ A pause ] I must admit, if this is some sort of test of my trustworthiness... [ Why would you doubt him? ]
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The same.
Despite himself, a barely visible hint of a smile tugged at his lips. It was small and in a way very insecure, thoughts in the back of his mind telling him he had no business to be smiling at a time like this, but the notion was a comfort. He didn't hate him yet. His own expression was one quick to turn to surprise at what he said next, and without thinking he placed both hands over one of Ed's and shook his head intently. ]
I would never test your trust. I've never even thought about it. Ed, you are not the problem. Not in a single way, I assure you. It's just -- [ He realized it then. The sensation of skin against skin registered in his mind all at once and in a swift instant he withdrew his touch, an intense heat burning at his face in embarrassment. He repositioned himself so that he was turned away from Ed, the hands that were moments ago so at home where they had been now clenched and resting on his knees. Stupid. Moronic. Idiotic.
But he had to keep going. It took him a moment, but he did. ]
The reason I asked is because... because I don't deserve it. [ It was surprising how easily those words came. ] I've lied to you, Ed. In pursuit of keeping my secret I've told you so many mistruths and given so many roundabout answers that I can't possibly deserve your honesty anymore. I... I was selfish and I hurt you.
[ More and more emotion was into his voice and mannerisms as he went on, but as hard as it was he didn't try to vanquish the feelings or put himself in control again. Ed had been vulnerable to him. At his mercy, even. He'd trusted him with the side of himself he'd deemed lesser, yet --
Oswald froze. His expression was hard to pinpoint, but it was certain that he'd just realized something very important. Very important. Something he should have already known, but maybe it had fallen into place just when it needed to. Maybe he could really do this. With a determination he hadn't realized he possessed until that very second, he turned back to face the man beside him. ] There is one thing I haven't trusted you with, Ed, but I do want to share it with you. I'm ready to, if you'll let me. [ He inhaled, knowing that if he opened this door there was no going back. But did he want to go back? ] I'm strong and tough but can be broken in ways. If I stop working it's the end of your days. What am I?
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But Oswald showed up when he hadn't anything to offer so there was a certain camaraderie on top of it. Invaluable as a friend to Oswald, who is a emotional being. The only friend around. And yet here they are and he's been asked to explain why he even bothers. It's insulting. He thought it was obvious they were mutually beneficial to each-other, if only from a business standpoint.
He half expects him to say he's been replaced and services are no longer needed. Jokes on you. Friendship is and always has been a sham. Instead Oswald's got hands over his own and saying something about being undeserving of honesty. There's telling changes, both in tone and movement. That's not it then. Something is very wrong here. Unless this is a trick? Oswald is a convincing liar but not that convincing. There isn't anything to gain.
Ed keeps searching him, that cold look he was trying to keep on him to remain logical in approach is cracking. Ed just looks lost about it now. What deep shameful secret could it possibly be? He starts running a list of things he'd think Oswald would still be embarrassed to share. False identity? A split half that killed the other end? (He would have known that by now.) Disease? (Ed's tested him. He's sure he knows that.) A child? (Highly unlikely.) By all accounts it doesn't make sense and yet he's sat down here like Oswald is about to confess he's on his deathbed due to some horrible experimentation he felt the need to hide for foolish reasons. (Also unlikely.) ]
Your heart. [ . . . ?
Dumbfounded. He stares, unblinking. ] Is something wrong with it? [ How many heart conditions does he know off the top of his head? His father was dying of one before being poisoned by a wretched woman. He could easily solve that one. ]
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