You're right. You deserve honesty. I'll give you the truth, Ed, but it can't be like this. I need to say it to your face. It's the only way you might understand. What I deserve after that I'll leave in your hands.
[ What more was there to say than that? He didn't know. All the weeks he had spent slaving over the right things to say and he still hadn't figured out anything. Was there a right way? Could there ever be? Or was the affection he couldn't extinguish, couldn't hide, the thing that would destroy what they did have? It was just another uncertainty. In that moment the only thing he could be sure of is that secrecy itself wasn't going to be what tore them apart. The thought of what would come after that was perhaps the most frightening thing Oswald had ever faced in his life, but Ed had a right to know. He'd had the right to know from the start.
For a time Oswald had taken to pacing the living area, his nerves increasing with every passing second of wondering where Ed was and what he was thinking. The suspense and torment of waiting was only fair. He'd done it to the person he claimed he loved, hadn't he? Maybe he was too selfish for love. Too... greedy. Eventually he found himself on the couch, face in his hands and a cloud of desperation hanging over him. He was going to ruin everything and Ed would hate him forever and he couldn't do a damned thing to stop what was coming. Why why why had he not been honest sooner? ]
[ Ed keeps him waiting for at least five minutes. Intentionally. Truth be told, he was already in the room and simply backed out when he told him to meet him there. Just to see what he'd do. How he's reacting. If Ed can guess what it is that's driving Oswald to hold it to himself so deeply before he goes in there and tries to provoke it out of him.
He's off to the side, in the doorway. Craning his neck to look at him from the hall. A little out of sight but not really. If Oswald really looked, he'd see him.
The pacing is a sign of increasing nerves. Oswald thinks Ed will hate him for, he deduces. Guilty but he doesn't know of what. He can't think of anything he did wrong towards him. When he sinks down on the couch, he moves ahead into the room. He looks so sad and he doesn't want to see it. ]
Oswald. [ He doesn't know if he should even be mad or not. Oswald seems to think he's justified on it but Oswald also thought he had to rig an entire election because he doesn't know what people are thinking about him. Ed decides he's just mad about being favored second for things.
His expression probably comes off a little cold that way, calculating. Eyes flickering about Oswald's face to try and notice any subtle change in emotion and trying to get into his head and solve it before he says anything. ]
[ Of course, he didn't look. Ed had probably known that he wouldn't. The other man likely knew most of his tendencies and habits better than he himself did by now. Oswald hadn't guessed how long he would be sitting there like that, but he had assumed it would be longer and that he would have at least heard Ed coming in so that he could pretend to not be a complete mess if even for a second. But he'd been completely caught off guard, the way he jumped in his seat and took a sharp intake of air as he let his hands fall a more than telling indication of such. ]
Ed? [ His trepidation was quite clear by his tone, almost as if he had been on the verge of crying. That calculating look on his face only made the knot of anxiety in his stomach knot further. He made himself stand, but his eyes were on Ed for only a few stray seconds before his gaze fell downward. ] I-I hadn't expected you so soon.
[ His lips downturn, until he puts them together tightly. Oswald looks like he's on the edge of a meltdown. What did he do to get there? What did you do? Ed's glad he caught this. It'll put whatever he says next in a better context. ]
Got out early. Did you need a minute? [ He asks it but they both know Ed's not going to actually give him that minute now. He's not going to leave. But it's still asked, if somewhat less concerned than he might sound if he caught him like this otherwise.
Oswald responds better to emotion. He could approach this differently. Ask what's bothering him nicely, as a friend. But he'll also crack quicker if Ed doesn't give away what he's feeling. This is the way to do it. ]
[ Oswald squeezed his eyes shut for several short moments that felt like several extremely long ones before exhaling and forcing himself to keep his gaze set on Ed. It was hard not to waver when the concern that he usually saw when he was in states like this was replaced with a sternness he wasn't quite used to, but if he could survive all that he had until this point and not stay knocked down surely he could do something as simple as look the person he cared for so deeply in the eye. Surely. ]
No. That won't be necessary. [ As much as part of him wanted to back out, the larger part of him didn't. Couldn't. It wasn't as if he had a choice anyway. He had to face this and he had to do it now. ] I think that perhaps we should sit for this discussion. If you don't mind.
[ Oswald looks unsure on a level he hasn't seen in a while. It doesn't seem right on a face that looks best while holding his chin up. Ed sharpens his gaze, in thought. Out of annoyance that he has to think this hard about it at all. That Oswald is having difficulty even looking at him. A puzzle with a missing piece. I start off light and easy to bear but the more you carry me, the heavier a burden I become. What am I? ]
Fine. [ A gesture at the couch, for Oswald to sit before Ed follows suit. Back straight. Turned enough to look at him straight on. Still searching his face for a tell. The longer this goes, the more uncertain he becomes about what it could be. ] What is it, Oswald?
[ The uncertainty had been there for a while. A long while. He knew very well that he hadn't been the best at hiding it, either, so how was it that Ed hadn't figured him out by now? Or had he but wanted to hear it straight from Oswald himself? Even worse, what if he had intention to reject him before he even managed to say it? But there was no evidence of that. Not yet. He needed to stay focused on the moment he was in, not what would come after. He sat again with a bit of hesitance, and once Ed joined him he could feel his heart rate increasing.
Keep moving forward. Keep moving forward. Ed deserves to know. ]
I... need to ask you something first. You've always been honest with me. You've always trusted me. Why?
[ It's a blind spot. Presumed to be the oddities of real friendship. Of Oswald. He doesn't see the solution to this. Not really. There's a crack in his expression.
A flash of surprise. Confusion. Why is he asking that? ] Why? [ He repeats it. Is this a riddle? ] Because... [ He pauses, carefully considering the answer. He has that one, doesn't he? He licks his lips, looking away from him. Picking and choosing what to say. Because they're best friends. Because he never lied to him, about disliking him or not. And... Why is he asking that? ] Because I believe we're the same. [ Different. No one else measures up.
He states earnestly before his expression tightens, lips pressing together in a thin line again. Suspicious. Paranoid. He looks back at him quickly. ]
Why? [ A pause ] I must admit, if this is some sort of test of my trustworthiness... [ Why would you doubt him? ]
[ Again, he was waiting. Waiting for what Ed would do and say. It was horrible, he knew, but if he reacted with that kind of emotion it had to mean he didn't hate him just yet, didn't it? The constant push and pull of his doubts and hopes vying for control was almost too much, but the answer he got made him take pause.
The same.
Despite himself, a barely visible hint of a smile tugged at his lips. It was small and in a way very insecure, thoughts in the back of his mind telling him he had no business to be smiling at a time like this, but the notion was a comfort. He didn't hate him yet. His own expression was one quick to turn to surprise at what he said next, and without thinking he placed both hands over one of Ed's and shook his head intently. ]
I would never test your trust. I've never even thought about it. Ed, you are not the problem. Not in a single way, I assure you. It's just -- [ He realized it then. The sensation of skin against skin registered in his mind all at once and in a swift instant he withdrew his touch, an intense heat burning at his face in embarrassment. He repositioned himself so that he was turned away from Ed, the hands that were moments ago so at home where they had been now clenched and resting on his knees. Stupid. Moronic. Idiotic.
But he had to keep going. It took him a moment, but he did. ]
The reason I asked is because... because I don't deserve it. [ It was surprising how easily those words came. ] I've lied to you, Ed. In pursuit of keeping my secret I've told you so many mistruths and given so many roundabout answers that I can't possibly deserve your honesty anymore. I... I was selfish and I hurt you.
[ More and more emotion was into his voice and mannerisms as he went on, but as hard as it was he didn't try to vanquish the feelings or put himself in control again. Ed had been vulnerable to him. At his mercy, even. He'd trusted him with the side of himself he'd deemed lesser, yet --
Oswald froze. His expression was hard to pinpoint, but it was certain that he'd just realized something very important. Very important. Something he should have already known, but maybe it had fallen into place just when it needed to. Maybe he could really do this. With a determination he hadn't realized he possessed until that very second, he turned back to face the man beside him. ] There is one thing I haven't trusted you with, Ed, but I do want to share it with you. I'm ready to, if you'll let me. [ He inhaled, knowing that if he opened this door there was no going back. But did he want to go back? ] I'm strong and tough but can be broken in ways. If I stop working it's the end of your days. What am I?
[ Oswald's doubting him and he has no idea why. Ed had suspected at some point, Oswald may think Ed might have outlived his usefulness to him. He tried to make himself invaluable. Irreplaceable. Everything would be entirely off balance if he removed himself or was removed that way.
But Oswald showed up when he hadn't anything to offer so there was a certain camaraderie on top of it. Invaluable as a friend to Oswald, who is a emotional being. The only friend around. And yet here they are and he's been asked to explain why he even bothers. It's insulting. He thought it was obvious they were mutually beneficial to each-other, if only from a business standpoint.
He half expects him to say he's been replaced and services are no longer needed. Jokes on you. Friendship is and always has been a sham. Instead Oswald's got hands over his own and saying something about being undeserving of honesty. There's telling changes, both in tone and movement. That's not it then. Something is very wrong here. Unless this is a trick? Oswald is a convincing liar but not that convincing. There isn't anything to gain.
Ed keeps searching him, that cold look he was trying to keep on him to remain logical in approach is cracking. Ed just looks lost about it now. What deep shameful secret could it possibly be? He starts running a list of things he'd think Oswald would still be embarrassed to share. False identity? A split half that killed the other end? (He would have known that by now.) Disease? (Ed's tested him. He's sure he knows that.) A child? (Highly unlikely.) By all accounts it doesn't make sense and yet he's sat down here like Oswald is about to confess he's on his deathbed due to some horrible experimentation he felt the need to hide for foolish reasons. (Also unlikely.) ]
Your heart. [ . . . ?
Dumbfounded. He stares, unblinking. ] Is something wrong with it? [ How many heart conditions does he know off the top of his head? His father was dying of one before being poisoned by a wretched woman. He could easily solve that one. ]
[ It would have crushed Oswald to know that Ed had that many doubts about the foundation of their friendship. It wasn't to say that he hadn't had his own worries as of late, but Ed's were so intense in a way he hadn't realized for so long. Even though he had begun to understand, he hadn't been sure that worry was something he would react with until he saw his expression slowly fading to something less like the mask he wore when he trying to keep himself in check. Was it possible that they both felt vulnerable?
Oswald gave a small nod at the correct answer, but he had to stop himself from putting his fingers to his mouth out of nerves. He'd been almost certain Ed wouldn't understand the meaning at first, but that wasn't the conclusion he'd thought he would make. Once again he was shaking his head, and again he was reaching to touch him. Why fight it? His hand landed on his upper arm, grasping it in what he realized was an attempt to assure both of them. ]
There's nothing wrong with my heart, Ed. It's the complete opposite. I think I'm finally learning how to use it. [ A quiet, breathy laugh accompanied his words, as did an earnest albeit unassuming smile. He put his head down momentarily, but upon looking up again he knew he had to explain what that meant. He'd been counting on needing to explain. He needed to make Ed believe how important he was to him if his confession was going to mean anything in the end. ] Do you remember, before we were here, how I wished for someone to share my good fortune with? [ A short pause. ] I mean. Of course you remember. You would never forget. You remember everything about everyth-- [ He'd begun gesturing too much. Had he really started rambling like that? There was a tinge of embarrassment to his expression for the second time since they'd sat, but he didn't have time to stop and hide it this time. Hiding it wasn't going to help his case. But he did need to be as composed as possible to get the words to align themselves properly. After a short second, he began again. ]
After mother and father passed, I almost believed that I was meant to live the rest of my life without anyone beside me at all. It didn't feel possible that anyone could care about me so mutually again. Without... judging me or looking down on me or believing there's nothing at all in me that's good. But then there was you. [ His eyes had begun growing cloudy, emotion that had been pent up for so long on the verge of being released. He still hadn't withdrawn his hand. ] You're the only one that has been there to prove to me time and time that I'm not alone. You... you almost died for me, Ed. You were willing to sacrifice everything for me. Because you cared. There was nothing for you to gain, no game to win. It was because you cared. [ He took his hand back and covered his mouth, the water at the brim of his eyes becoming harder to keep dammed. Saying everything out loud made it feel even more real, even when he thought he couldn't have felt any more deeply than he already did. Is that what it felt like to really love someone? He blinked heavily in hopes that it would keep the tears from coming, but it barely mattered. It was only a matter of time before he cried. He couldn't stop it. He couldn't stop anything anymore. ]
What I've wanted to say is what you've done for me has changed me. [ His voice was cracking. He must have been both acting and looking a mess, but he didn't care. For once he just didn't care. ] You changed me, just by being you. I've discovered that for all my searching, the only person I could ever need or want was already with me. I know you might not believe anything I say because I've been so cruelly dishonest, but I'm begging you to understand that right now I'm being more honest with you than I've ever been with anyone in my entire life. I hid myself away because I didn't want to ruin what we already had, but the truth... [ His tears were finally flowing freely, but for a reason he couldn't explain he was still smiling that small smile of hope. He took Ed's hand, gently closing his own around it. ] The truth is, Ed, I adore you. Every single part of you. And I... I love you. Deeply, completely, truthfully, unquestionably. I love you, Edward Nygma.
[ And now all he could do was search his eyes and hope. Hope that somehow, someway, Ed would still accept him. That he would still care. That maybe best friends wasn't the only thing they could be. ]
[ The complete opposite. Rich men want it, wise men know it, the poor all need it. Ed looks down at Oswald's hand then back at his face. So the secret would be that he had found someone, after all. He hadn't expected it and has no idea who it could be and feels entirely foolish for not noticing earlier. Such an obvious answer. Highly unlikely but obvious. There were signs. Stupid stupid stupid...
Oswald noted he wanted to share things with someone. The romantic. Oswald's getting emotional about it. His insides twist. Ed keeps staring ahead at him. He keeps his lip tightly shut. Jaw clenching. Displeased. Disappointed. He's not sure what he's feeling about it. He doesn't know what to say while Oswald goes on and he thinks it most likely won't be something Oswald's pleased with when he does finally say something. He's not exactly happy for him.
It doesn't make sense. It shouldn't have happened. Everyone here isn't someone to pursue a romance with. The only people around that are viable options for Oswald are people would might take advantage. This is going to get in the way of their friendship. A trick. A plot. A puzzle he should have noticed far sooner than now. He couldn't tell him because the other end of it is forcing him not to somehow. Oswald wouldn't think he feels this way otherwise, right?
'Because you cared.' And Ed thinks he's about to hear some foolish proposal that Oswald's about to get married in a brainwashed fit to some person he met a week ago. You cared and that's why you get to be best man. No. He has to turn that down. It puts a sour taste in his mouth and he thinks his head is throbbing. This is going to crush him and he starts working the correct way to speak against it.
Oswald's voice is cracking. He keeps putting the focus on Ed and he doesn't know why. He needs to tell him who it is so he can figure out what warped possession they've inflicted on his heart and to what end. It's enraging. Horrible. Ed's got fists for hands on his lap. He should have been paying more attention. He's trying to figure it out and there's blood pumping loud in his ears.
He should be paying more attention. He almost doesn't hear it. His breath hitches and he focuses back on Oswald completely. Like he just got slapped in the face. A bucket of ice water dumped over his head. Oswald with tears in his eyes looking at him far too hopefully to make any sort of sense. ]
What? [ It comes out a breathless whisper. Everything went silent. You could hear a penny drop. ] ...You... love me? [ That's ridiculous.
But he's saying it right to his face and there's an undeniable explanation for certain courses of action Oswald's taken. Words. Looks. Touches. It doesn't make sense but it does. ]
I- [ He questions the validity of the statement. It occurs to him that he's never heard those words out of anyone's mouth. Not even blood relations. Ed goes quiet. So very quiet. Just staring at him in some sort of shock. At a loss. Completely lost.
What the hell does that mean? Oswald wins. He stumped him. He had the wrong answer to this one. Is that a good thing? ]
[ Much of Ed's response had been close to or exactly how Oswald had imagined it would be. The confusion, the frustration, that certain look he got on his face when he couldn't put the puzzle pieces in the right order fast enough. All of that he had seen before.
What he couldn't have anticipated, though, was just what he would do when those three specific words came and were finally allowed to float freely in the space between them. Disbelief, even shock was an easy guess, but what was to come after that? Anger? Raw, unhesitating rejection? Would he say their friendship was over? Ask why Oswald was still lying even when he wasn't? As always, almost impossible to read. But something gave him a clue. Another thread of hope. Ed could have moved his hand away, but he hadn't. They were still connected.
And that gave him courage. ]
It's true. [ Oswald's reply was quiet as well, but not for lack of conviction. His expression remained the same. Open, earnest, loving. Accepting, even. Accepting that if Ed needed time, he'd give it to him. If Ed needed proof, he'd give it to him. Whatever he needed or wanted, Oswald wanted to provide it. For Ed, he wanted to be selfless. Had he ever truly wanted that before? ] I love you, Ed. No one has ever made me feel this way and no one else ever could. It's only you. [ He ventured a soft squeeze of Ed's hand, eyes still locked on his. His face remained stained with tears, and although for a moment he wondered if that would make him look weaker he dismissed the notion. No hiding. Honesty only. ]
It... it has occurred to me that this may seem like a shallow fickle infatuation, but I would do anything to assure you that has never been the case. The only thing I've doubted this entire time is... well, me. My thoughts about you never came into question. Not even once. Everything I feel about you is so much more than words could ever properly describe. I want to show you that, but... [ In a surge of bravery Oswald lightly placed his hand on Ed's knee, trying so hard to show his sincerity. ] I know whatever happens now is up to you, but please know that in my heart you're irreplaceable. You're everything. To me -- to me you're perfect. [ A fresh wave of tears began to run down his face, but he didn't falter. ] Edward, I would do anything for you. Anything.
[ Ed didn't move his hand away. He didn't move at all. He didn't aim to pull back. He didn't look away from him. He's trying to comprehend exactly what to do and how he feels about this and what it even means.
But he doesn't think he wants to leave. That's one decision made. Leaving the room isn't the right answer here.
Oswald's looking at him in a way that he simultaneously does and doesn't recognize. Something in the eyes. He's sure he's seen that expression on his face before. Sitting in front of a fire after Ed risked his life for him. (Because...?) Oswald had that looked and leaned forward and that's the only time Ed considered this outcome. He thought about this. Only a moment. But he hugged him and dismissed it.
He might have been disappointed about it. Dismissed at the time. As quickly as the thought came in. Lack of oxygen. Foolish thought. He would never-
Dismissed as an earnest expression Oswald puts towards people he values. Truly values. People he wouldn't stab in the back without a second thought. People he could-
Respect.
They've discussed love before. Called it a weakness yet continued to hold love in their hearts for the dearly departed. People who loved Oswald gave it so freely. Parents. Familial. Perhaps he's confused... Oswald's saying he doesn't doubt it. He's never questioned it. Accepted it as a fact. He doesn't doubt he feels something. A strong something. He's never felt this way before.
A crush. Crushes can be fleeting. The first one is the harshest.
Everything. Perfect. Words people don't give him. Kristen never said 'love' but he never thought she had to. She expressed it. He thinks. He's had the word slip out here but not as a straight and confident as Oswald declares it. Just noted as a potential. He dismissed it as an infatuation. Didn't want to stomp it down as he's had done to him. Repeatedly. Oswald's aware it sounds like infatuation at first. He's thought about it enough, he's sure.
Ed puts a hand over the one on his knee and inhales a breath. He tips his chin down, glancing down at that hand (Oswald has both now. It's noted. He doesn't do anything about it.) ]
Have you ever kissed someone before? [ Question 1. ]
[ It was strange to feel dreadful apprehension and hopeful anticipation so strongly all at once. Every negative worry seemed to have an opposite, vaguely brighter emotion that countered it. One second the fear seemed to win out, the next something in the way he was studying Ed's expression brought about the notion that there was the possibility that he didn't need to be afraid.
And then Ed took his hand. The smile that spread across his face moved so quickly, so genuinely, that he didn't even have time to think about it. His touch felt so right. Though possibly the most ridiculous thought he'd ever had, he wanted desperately to close his eyes and lose himself in the feeling, but when words that he had never expected came he lifted his eyes and the smile that resided on his features faded to something else entirely. ]
I -- [ Oswald felt himself staring for a fleeting handful of seconds, but not in shock like he had always assumed he would if something like this were to ever happen outside of his imagination and endless daydreaming. It was a momentary contemplation, however not one that lasted very long. Ed had definitely seen this look before. ] I haven't. But I want to. [ He hadn't even know that his voice could sound that soft, that sincere. In the past when he'd had this opportunity he'd been too afraid to take it, but why would he be given this second chance if it didn't mean anything? Something inside compelled him to lean closer, but that same force compelled him to act with more than his own desires in mind. He wouldn't be selfish. Deja vu with a new perspective. ] Tell me what you want.
[ Oswald might not know love like he's saying. He's never kissed anyone. He's never been in love. Ed keeps doubting he really means it. No one ever really means it. But you're his guy. Right? An obsession. Mistaken selfish desires. Their bond is undeniable and it could be easy to mistake feelings when you're unfamiliar with them. This is going to be bad for him. Oswald's wearing that smile again.
Ed is sure he knows, however. He's been in love. He can recognize love. He knows what it means and what one has to do to express it. And Ed knows everything, doesn't he? Do you know what you're feeling right now?
He has make it clear. Oswald leaned closer and Ed's having a harder time looking at him but keeps doing so. Forcing himself not to miss a detail here. A tell. Something validating the doubt. Something to clear this up. It's all a misunderstanding. This isn't real. Ed usually doesn't look this unsure of things. Just crumbling any stability and grasp he had on what was going on. Words he uses so superfluously on a regular basis failing him. Everything's caught in his throat.
Oswald's a puzzle. ] I-... [ Tell him. He doesn't know what he wants. It wasn't this, was it?
He's not sure. He has to test love. To solve this one. Figure it out what's real. This is probably a misunderstanding. That's why he leans in towards Oswald and does something he's only done to one other.
Then he pulls away, probably far sooner than the only chronologically living recipient of the action would like. A hand hovering closely to his mouth. Breath caught. He isn't looking at him anymore. ]
[ The validity of his love was something Oswald had never needed to question. It was true that he was inexperienced and often let his emotions overcome logic, but love was a feeling he did know. He wasn't intimately familiar with it in all of its forms, but in the end didn't all love make you feel similar things? Things like a desire to be around that person, to make them smile, to let them feel appreciated and understood?
But that wasn't all there was to it. You also needed to be willing to make choices that hurt one's self just so you might make their lives happier. That facet of love had been the hardest to learn. He'd almost taken too long. Maybe he already had. There was no way to be sure yet. Ed looked so... anxious. Out of control. Not in his element when he was always in his element. But still, watching with a gentle gaze, he dared to hope.
Then it happened, and the surprise he thought he'd prepared himself for was plain to see all over his face. The action made his heart beat in the most exhilarating way possible, and as the shock dissipated he found himself completely consumed by it. Eyes closed, his body angled close enough that he could feel the warmth emanating from the one he adored so dearly, he longed to caress his face and run his fingers through his hair, letting their bond be the only thing that existed for all of eternity, but --
But he pulled back. It was over. Wasn't it? Oswald could still feel the thrill of it spreading through him and the softness in the way they had connected. It was still so fresh that he couldn't even be sad that it had ended. He'd tipped his head down in a juvenile sort of shyness to hide the redness of his face and the way his hand had reached up to gingerly touch his lips, but when he looked up shortly after he could see that Ed hadn't felt anywhere the same about it as he did. Oswald froze up for a moment, his heart starting to sink as quickly as it had begun to soar. ]
...Ed? [ Oswald's eyebrows were furrowed. He looked conflicted. Felt conflicted. Was this it? The part where he had to sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of Ed's? Was he ready for that? He had to be. No other choices existed. But he wouldn't move his other hand until he knew with absolute certainty. Ed had once told him that he didn't have to wonder what was on his mind, he just needed to ask. So he would. No matter what the answer ended up being. ] What are you thinking?
[ Outside reflected a mess of emotions and thoughts on the inside. Ed isn't saying anything after. A completely arbitrary spot on the floor was chosen to focus attentions on.
Should he have done that?
His hand goes to ball up and he ends up just giving Oswald's a squeeze. Oh. Right. He forgot there was still contact. How long had that been there? He should take that back.
He doesn't. He just ends up staring at their hands like his head is completely elsewhere. ]
You know the last person that held my hand was strangled to death by it, right? [ It's blurted out.
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I don't want there to be secrets between us anymore.
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[ What more was there to say than that? He didn't know. All the weeks he had spent slaving over the right things to say and he still hadn't figured out anything. Was there a right way? Could there ever be? Or was the affection he couldn't extinguish, couldn't hide, the thing that would destroy what they did have? It was just another uncertainty. In that moment the only thing he could be sure of is that secrecy itself wasn't going to be what tore them apart. The thought of what would come after that was perhaps the most frightening thing Oswald had ever faced in his life, but Ed had a right to know. He'd had the right to know from the start.
For a time Oswald had taken to pacing the living area, his nerves increasing with every passing second of wondering where Ed was and what he was thinking. The suspense and torment of waiting was only fair. He'd done it to the person he claimed he loved, hadn't he? Maybe he was too selfish for love. Too... greedy. Eventually he found himself on the couch, face in his hands and a cloud of desperation hanging over him. He was going to ruin everything and Ed would hate him forever and he couldn't do a damned thing to stop what was coming. Why why why had he not been honest sooner? ]
action;
He's off to the side, in the doorway. Craning his neck to look at him from the hall. A little out of sight but not really. If Oswald really looked, he'd see him.
The pacing is a sign of increasing nerves. Oswald thinks Ed will hate him for, he deduces. Guilty but he doesn't know of what. He can't think of anything he did wrong towards him. When he sinks down on the couch, he moves ahead into the room. He looks so sad and he doesn't want to see it. ]
Oswald. [ He doesn't know if he should even be mad or not. Oswald seems to think he's justified on it but Oswald also thought he had to rig an entire election because he doesn't know what people are thinking about him. Ed decides he's just mad about being favored second for things.
His expression probably comes off a little cold that way, calculating. Eyes flickering about Oswald's face to try and notice any subtle change in emotion and trying to get into his head and solve it before he says anything. ]
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Ed? [ His trepidation was quite clear by his tone, almost as if he had been on the verge of crying. That calculating look on his face only made the knot of anxiety in his stomach knot further. He made himself stand, but his eyes were on Ed for only a few stray seconds before his gaze fell downward. ] I-I hadn't expected you so soon.
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Got out early. Did you need a minute? [ He asks it but they both know Ed's not going to actually give him that minute now. He's not going to leave. But it's still asked, if somewhat less concerned than he might sound if he caught him like this otherwise.
Oswald responds better to emotion. He could approach this differently. Ask what's bothering him nicely, as a friend.
But he'll also crack quicker if Ed doesn't give away what he's feeling. This is the way to do it. ]
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No. That won't be necessary. [ As much as part of him wanted to back out, the larger part of him didn't. Couldn't. It wasn't as if he had a choice anyway. He had to face this and he had to do it now. ] I think that perhaps we should sit for this discussion. If you don't mind.
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Fine. [ A gesture at the couch, for Oswald to sit before Ed follows suit. Back straight. Turned enough to look at him straight on. Still searching his face for a tell. The longer this goes, the more uncertain he becomes about what it could be. ] What is it, Oswald?
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Keep moving forward. Keep moving forward. Ed deserves to know. ]
I... need to ask you something first. You've always been honest with me. You've always trusted me. Why?
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A flash of surprise. Confusion. Why is he asking that? ] Why? [ He repeats it. Is this a riddle? ] Because... [ He pauses, carefully considering the answer. He has that one, doesn't he? He licks his lips, looking away from him. Picking and choosing what to say. Because they're best friends. Because he never lied to him, about disliking him or not. And... Why is he asking that? ] Because I believe we're the same. [ Different. No one else measures up.
He states earnestly before his expression tightens, lips pressing together in a thin line again. Suspicious. Paranoid. He looks back at him quickly. ]
Why? [ A pause ] I must admit, if this is some sort of test of my trustworthiness... [ Why would you doubt him? ]
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The same.
Despite himself, a barely visible hint of a smile tugged at his lips. It was small and in a way very insecure, thoughts in the back of his mind telling him he had no business to be smiling at a time like this, but the notion was a comfort. He didn't hate him yet. His own expression was one quick to turn to surprise at what he said next, and without thinking he placed both hands over one of Ed's and shook his head intently. ]
I would never test your trust. I've never even thought about it. Ed, you are not the problem. Not in a single way, I assure you. It's just -- [ He realized it then. The sensation of skin against skin registered in his mind all at once and in a swift instant he withdrew his touch, an intense heat burning at his face in embarrassment. He repositioned himself so that he was turned away from Ed, the hands that were moments ago so at home where they had been now clenched and resting on his knees. Stupid. Moronic. Idiotic.
But he had to keep going. It took him a moment, but he did. ]
The reason I asked is because... because I don't deserve it. [ It was surprising how easily those words came. ] I've lied to you, Ed. In pursuit of keeping my secret I've told you so many mistruths and given so many roundabout answers that I can't possibly deserve your honesty anymore. I... I was selfish and I hurt you.
[ More and more emotion was into his voice and mannerisms as he went on, but as hard as it was he didn't try to vanquish the feelings or put himself in control again. Ed had been vulnerable to him. At his mercy, even. He'd trusted him with the side of himself he'd deemed lesser, yet --
Oswald froze. His expression was hard to pinpoint, but it was certain that he'd just realized something very important. Very important. Something he should have already known, but maybe it had fallen into place just when it needed to. Maybe he could really do this. With a determination he hadn't realized he possessed until that very second, he turned back to face the man beside him. ] There is one thing I haven't trusted you with, Ed, but I do want to share it with you. I'm ready to, if you'll let me. [ He inhaled, knowing that if he opened this door there was no going back. But did he want to go back? ] I'm strong and tough but can be broken in ways. If I stop working it's the end of your days. What am I?
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But Oswald showed up when he hadn't anything to offer so there was a certain camaraderie on top of it. Invaluable as a friend to Oswald, who is a emotional being. The only friend around. And yet here they are and he's been asked to explain why he even bothers. It's insulting. He thought it was obvious they were mutually beneficial to each-other, if only from a business standpoint.
He half expects him to say he's been replaced and services are no longer needed. Jokes on you. Friendship is and always has been a sham. Instead Oswald's got hands over his own and saying something about being undeserving of honesty. There's telling changes, both in tone and movement. That's not it then. Something is very wrong here. Unless this is a trick? Oswald is a convincing liar but not that convincing. There isn't anything to gain.
Ed keeps searching him, that cold look he was trying to keep on him to remain logical in approach is cracking. Ed just looks lost about it now. What deep shameful secret could it possibly be? He starts running a list of things he'd think Oswald would still be embarrassed to share. False identity? A split half that killed the other end? (He would have known that by now.) Disease? (Ed's tested him. He's sure he knows that.) A child? (Highly unlikely.) By all accounts it doesn't make sense and yet he's sat down here like Oswald is about to confess he's on his deathbed due to some horrible experimentation he felt the need to hide for foolish reasons. (Also unlikely.) ]
Your heart. [ . . . ?
Dumbfounded. He stares, unblinking. ] Is something wrong with it? [ How many heart conditions does he know off the top of his head? His father was dying of one before being poisoned by a wretched woman. He could easily solve that one. ]
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Oswald gave a small nod at the correct answer, but he had to stop himself from putting his fingers to his mouth out of nerves. He'd been almost certain Ed wouldn't understand the meaning at first, but that wasn't the conclusion he'd thought he would make. Once again he was shaking his head, and again he was reaching to touch him. Why fight it? His hand landed on his upper arm, grasping it in what he realized was an attempt to assure both of them. ]
There's nothing wrong with my heart, Ed. It's the complete opposite. I think I'm finally learning how to use it. [ A quiet, breathy laugh accompanied his words, as did an earnest albeit unassuming smile. He put his head down momentarily, but upon looking up again he knew he had to explain what that meant. He'd been counting on needing to explain. He needed to make Ed believe how important he was to him if his confession was going to mean anything in the end. ] Do you remember, before we were here, how I wished for someone to share my good fortune with? [ A short pause. ] I mean. Of course you remember. You would never forget. You remember everything about everyth-- [ He'd begun gesturing too much. Had he really started rambling like that? There was a tinge of embarrassment to his expression for the second time since they'd sat, but he didn't have time to stop and hide it this time. Hiding it wasn't going to help his case. But he did need to be as composed as possible to get the words to align themselves properly. After a short second, he began again. ]
After mother and father passed, I almost believed that I was meant to live the rest of my life without anyone beside me at all. It didn't feel possible that anyone could care about me so mutually again. Without... judging me or looking down on me or believing there's nothing at all in me that's good. But then there was you. [ His eyes had begun growing cloudy, emotion that had been pent up for so long on the verge of being released. He still hadn't withdrawn his hand. ] You're the only one that has been there to prove to me time and time that I'm not alone. You... you almost died for me, Ed. You were willing to sacrifice everything for me. Because you cared. There was nothing for you to gain, no game to win. It was because you cared. [ He took his hand back and covered his mouth, the water at the brim of his eyes becoming harder to keep dammed. Saying everything out loud made it feel even more real, even when he thought he couldn't have felt any more deeply than he already did. Is that what it felt like to really love someone? He blinked heavily in hopes that it would keep the tears from coming, but it barely mattered. It was only a matter of time before he cried. He couldn't stop it. He couldn't stop anything anymore. ]
What I've wanted to say is what you've done for me has changed me. [ His voice was cracking. He must have been both acting and looking a mess, but he didn't care. For once he just didn't care. ] You changed me, just by being you. I've discovered that for all my searching, the only person I could ever need or want was already with me. I know you might not believe anything I say because I've been so cruelly dishonest, but I'm begging you to understand that right now I'm being more honest with you than I've ever been with anyone in my entire life. I hid myself away because I didn't want to ruin what we already had, but the truth... [ His tears were finally flowing freely, but for a reason he couldn't explain he was still smiling that small smile of hope. He took Ed's hand, gently closing his own around it. ] The truth is, Ed, I adore you. Every single part of you. And I... I love you. Deeply, completely, truthfully, unquestionably. I love you, Edward Nygma.
[ And now all he could do was search his eyes and hope. Hope that somehow, someway, Ed would still accept him. That he would still care. That maybe best friends wasn't the only thing they could be. ]
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Oswald noted he wanted to share things with someone. The romantic. Oswald's getting emotional about it. His insides twist. Ed keeps staring ahead at him. He keeps his lip tightly shut. Jaw clenching. Displeased. Disappointed. He's not sure what he's feeling about it. He doesn't know what to say while Oswald goes on and he thinks it most likely won't be something Oswald's pleased with when he does finally say something. He's not exactly happy for him.
It doesn't make sense. It shouldn't have happened. Everyone here isn't someone to pursue a romance with. The only people around that are viable options for Oswald are people would might take advantage. This is going to get in the way of their friendship. A trick. A plot. A puzzle he should have noticed far sooner than now. He couldn't tell him because the other end of it is forcing him not to somehow. Oswald wouldn't think he feels this way otherwise, right?
'Because you cared.' And Ed thinks he's about to hear some foolish proposal that Oswald's about to get married in a brainwashed fit to some person he met a week ago. You cared and that's why you get to be best man. No. He has to turn that down. It puts a sour taste in his mouth and he thinks his head is throbbing. This is going to crush him and he starts working the correct way to speak against it.
Oswald's voice is cracking. He keeps putting the focus on Ed and he doesn't know why. He needs to tell him who it is so he can figure out what warped possession they've inflicted on his heart and to what end. It's enraging. Horrible. Ed's got fists for hands on his lap. He should have been paying more attention. He's trying to figure it out and there's blood pumping loud in his ears.
He should be paying more attention. He almost doesn't hear it. His breath hitches and he focuses back on Oswald completely. Like he just got slapped in the face. A bucket of ice water dumped over his head. Oswald with tears in his eyes looking at him far too hopefully to make any sort of sense. ]
What? [ It comes out a breathless whisper. Everything went silent. You could hear a penny drop. ] ...You... love me? [ That's ridiculous.
But he's saying it right to his face and there's an undeniable explanation for certain courses of action Oswald's taken. Words. Looks. Touches. It doesn't make sense but it does. ]
I- [ He questions the validity of the statement. It occurs to him that he's never heard those words out of anyone's mouth. Not even blood relations. Ed goes quiet. So very quiet. Just staring at him in some sort of shock. At a loss. Completely lost.
What the hell does that mean? Oswald wins. He stumped him. He had the wrong answer to this one.
Is that a good thing? ]
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What he couldn't have anticipated, though, was just what he would do when those three specific words came and were finally allowed to float freely in the space between them. Disbelief, even shock was an easy guess, but what was to come after that? Anger? Raw, unhesitating rejection? Would he say their friendship was over? Ask why Oswald was still lying even when he wasn't? As always, almost impossible to read. But something gave him a clue. Another thread of hope. Ed could have moved his hand away, but he hadn't. They were still connected.
And that gave him courage. ]
It's true. [ Oswald's reply was quiet as well, but not for lack of conviction. His expression remained the same. Open, earnest, loving. Accepting, even. Accepting that if Ed needed time, he'd give it to him. If Ed needed proof, he'd give it to him. Whatever he needed or wanted, Oswald wanted to provide it. For Ed, he wanted to be selfless. Had he ever truly wanted that before? ] I love you, Ed. No one has ever made me feel this way and no one else ever could. It's only you. [ He ventured a soft squeeze of Ed's hand, eyes still locked on his. His face remained stained with tears, and although for a moment he wondered if that would make him look weaker he dismissed the notion. No hiding. Honesty only. ]
It... it has occurred to me that this may seem like a shallow fickle infatuation, but I would do anything to assure you that has never been the case. The only thing I've doubted this entire time is... well, me. My thoughts about you never came into question. Not even once. Everything I feel about you is so much more than words could ever properly describe. I want to show you that, but... [ In a surge of bravery Oswald lightly placed his hand on Ed's knee, trying so hard to show his sincerity. ] I know whatever happens now is up to you, but please know that in my heart you're irreplaceable. You're everything. To me -- to me you're perfect. [ A fresh wave of tears began to run down his face, but he didn't falter. ] Edward, I would do anything for you. Anything.
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But he doesn't think he wants to leave. That's one decision made. Leaving the room isn't the right answer here.
Oswald's looking at him in a way that he simultaneously does and doesn't recognize. Something in the eyes. He's sure he's seen that expression on his face before. Sitting in front of a fire after Ed risked his life for him. (Because...?) Oswald had that looked and leaned forward and that's the only time Ed considered this outcome. He thought about this. Only a moment. But he hugged him and dismissed it.
He might have been disappointed about it. Dismissed at the time. As quickly as the thought came in. Lack of oxygen. Foolish thought. He would never-
Dismissed as an earnest expression Oswald puts towards people he values. Truly values. People he wouldn't stab in the back without a second thought. People he could-
Respect.
They've discussed love before. Called it a weakness yet continued to hold love in their hearts for the dearly departed. People who loved Oswald gave it so freely. Parents. Familial. Perhaps he's confused... Oswald's saying he doesn't doubt it. He's never questioned it. Accepted it as a fact. He doesn't doubt he feels something. A strong something. He's never felt this way before.
A crush. Crushes can be fleeting. The first one is the harshest.
Everything. Perfect. Words people don't give him. Kristen never said 'love' but he never thought she had to. She expressed it. He thinks. He's had the word slip out here but not as a straight and confident as Oswald declares it. Just noted as a potential. He dismissed it as an infatuation. Didn't want to stomp it down as he's had done to him. Repeatedly. Oswald's aware it sounds like infatuation at first. He's thought about it enough, he's sure.
Ed puts a hand over the one on his knee and inhales a breath. He tips his chin down, glancing down at that hand (Oswald has both now. It's noted. He doesn't do anything about it.) ]
Have you ever kissed someone before? [ Question 1. ]
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And then Ed took his hand. The smile that spread across his face moved so quickly, so genuinely, that he didn't even have time to think about it. His touch felt so right. Though possibly the most ridiculous thought he'd ever had, he wanted desperately to close his eyes and lose himself in the feeling, but when words that he had never expected came he lifted his eyes and the smile that resided on his features faded to something else entirely. ]
I -- [ Oswald felt himself staring for a fleeting handful of seconds, but not in shock like he had always assumed he would if something like this were to ever happen outside of his imagination and endless daydreaming. It was a momentary contemplation, however not one that lasted very long. Ed had definitely seen this look before. ] I haven't. But I want to. [ He hadn't even know that his voice could sound that soft, that sincere. In the past when he'd had this opportunity he'd been too afraid to take it, but why would he be given this second chance if it didn't mean anything? Something inside compelled him to lean closer, but that same force compelled him to act with more than his own desires in mind. He wouldn't be selfish. Deja vu with a new perspective. ] Tell me what you want.
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Ed is sure he knows, however. He's been in love. He can recognize love. He knows what it means and what one has to do to express it. And Ed knows everything, doesn't he? Do you know what you're feeling right now?
He has make it clear. Oswald leaned closer and Ed's having a harder time looking at him but keeps doing so. Forcing himself not to miss a detail here. A tell. Something validating the doubt. Something to clear this up. It's all a misunderstanding. This isn't real. Ed usually doesn't look this unsure of things. Just crumbling any stability and grasp he had on what was going on. Words he uses so superfluously on a regular basis failing him. Everything's caught in his throat.
Oswald's a puzzle. ] I-... [ Tell him. He doesn't know what he wants. It wasn't this, was it?
He's not sure. He has to test love. To solve this one. Figure it out what's real. This is probably a misunderstanding. That's why he leans in towards Oswald and does something he's only done to one other.
Then he pulls away, probably far sooner than the only chronologically living recipient of the action would like. A hand hovering closely to his mouth. Breath caught. He isn't looking at him anymore. ]
Oh god.
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But that wasn't all there was to it. You also needed to be willing to make choices that hurt one's self just so you might make their lives happier. That facet of love had been the hardest to learn. He'd almost taken too long. Maybe he already had. There was no way to be sure yet. Ed looked so... anxious. Out of control. Not in his element when he was always in his element. But still, watching with a gentle gaze, he dared to hope.
Then it happened, and the surprise he thought he'd prepared himself for was plain to see all over his face. The action made his heart beat in the most exhilarating way possible, and as the shock dissipated he found himself completely consumed by it. Eyes closed, his body angled close enough that he could feel the warmth emanating from the one he adored so dearly, he longed to caress his face and run his fingers through his hair, letting their bond be the only thing that existed for all of eternity, but --
But he pulled back. It was over. Wasn't it? Oswald could still feel the thrill of it spreading through him and the softness in the way they had connected. It was still so fresh that he couldn't even be sad that it had ended. He'd tipped his head down in a juvenile sort of shyness to hide the redness of his face and the way his hand had reached up to gingerly touch his lips, but when he looked up shortly after he could see that Ed hadn't felt anywhere the same about it as he did. Oswald froze up for a moment, his heart starting to sink as quickly as it had begun to soar. ]
...Ed? [ Oswald's eyebrows were furrowed. He looked conflicted. Felt conflicted. Was this it? The part where he had to sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of Ed's? Was he ready for that? He had to be. No other choices existed. But he wouldn't move his other hand until he knew with absolute certainty. Ed had once told him that he didn't have to wonder what was on his mind, he just needed to ask. So he would. No matter what the answer ended up being. ] What are you thinking?
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Should he have done that?
His hand goes to ball up and he ends up just giving Oswald's a squeeze. Oh. Right. He forgot there was still contact. How long had that been there? He should take that back.
He doesn't. He just ends up staring at their hands like his head is completely elsewhere. ]
You know the last person that held my hand was strangled to death by it, right? [ It's blurted out.
Well. He's thinking about a lot of things. ]
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