[ Not for loving him. He could never be sorry for that even if he wanted to be. No, what he was sorry for was that he had loved him in the entirely wrong way for so long.
For a while he had convinced himself that freedom really did come from the denial of love, but discovering that he had a father that accepted and wanted him even knowing the things he'd committed was enough to start cracking the barrier of that belief. And then, in some poetic irony, the very person who had led Oswald to think building that wall was the best chance they had was the one to demolish it completely.
For a while it hadn't even registered that Ed was watching him or even paying attention at all until his question was countered with another. What he wanted to do...? Lots of things. Thousands of things. But when their hands reunited and Oswald reacted with a shy grin so swift that he barely realized it was there until a handful of moment passed, a thought came to him. A ridiculous, overly sentimental thought, but... surely if he said it in that special way it would mean so much more, wouldn't it? ]
What I want is... well, to give you something. Something very important. [ Brief silence. Like he was thinking. It would never be good enough, but didn't need to be. It just needed to carry the message. ] A fraction of it can make something worthwhile. I find some every time you smile. What is it? [ He forced himself to keep looking at him, biting his lip nervously. He would know the answer, of course, but it was hard to predict how he would react, especially to something so excessively drenched in emotion. ]
[ How obvious had Oswald been about this to others around them? Ed hadn't noticed himself but he wasn't looking for it. If you know what someone loves, you know their weakness. Because that's what it is.
He should keep an eye out.
There he is holding that hand again. It takes him by surprise again, that much is obvious, but only at Oswald's reaction to it. That shy grin. Like he wasn't just pulling his nails out of his mouth because it annoyed him. He lets his grip on it go lax and almost hesitantly pulls his hand back into himself. ]
[ He's staring again. Ed hates how befuddled he is about this. Oswald has no right to be this vexing. The riddle is something he can assign an answer to quickly but he says it slowly, looking over his glasses at him like he's unsure of it. Even doubting that, it seems. It's not the riddle itself it's the context, that it's really his smile and not just an imaginary person for the sake of the riddle. ]
Happiness. You want to give me happiness. [ Oh. He understands this part of it, at least. The rest he'll have to come to grips with. His expression falls into something more familiar. Clear. A tight smile after first that he softens up. He straightens himself, having at some point slowly sank down into a bit of a hunch just to get better eye-level with him while doing everything to puzzle him out. ]
[ It really was ridiculous. Smiling like that when Ed hadn't done what he had for any affectionate reason. But it felt good to be free about it. To not have to turn his head or lie about what he was really thinking. He'd done so much lying, and not even that had saved him every time. Grell couldn't prove it, but she knew. She was too intuitive not to know. Dave... Dave was trustworthy. He hoped.
Oswald allowed his hand fall back to his lap, but his eyes trailed after Ed's hand for a bit longer than needed. He was probably only seeing what he wanted to. Did hesitation make sense? The answer to the riddle he'd posed didn't take long to come, and when it did he nodded several times. Once to confirm he was correct, although that was unnecessary. A second time to emphasize what he wanted. A third time because he was still nervous. Still biting his lip. ]
I figure that's something we can share regardless of what happens, so -- [ He hadn't realized what he'd said at first. He blinked, processing it. ] Really? [ Don't smile. Don't smile. Don't -- He was smiling. Maybe it didn't seem like much, but hearing that Ed accepted any part of this struck him in a way he hadn't thought it would. Which is probably why he ended up quickly leaning forward and wrapping his arms around him. ] Thank you for giving me a chance. [ He didnt't add anything else at first, but after a short while of silence he spoke up again in a voice not much above a whisper. ] I really am going to prove it, Ed. I'm going to prove to you that I mean what I'm saying. I promise that I will.
[ Oswald being happy is something he wants. Oswald needing him was always part of the plan. Ed wanted him depending on him for things. Enjoying his company. Trusting. Working with. Ed wanted to be indispensable. Immune to his wrath.
Utilized and taught and brought along.
Being loved works. Being loved romantically doesn't take anything he wants away. It adds to it somewhat. Logically, rejecting the advance works against him. His own feelings on the matter are irrelevant. That's what he tells himself.
His own feelings on the matter, which are irrelevant but there, bring his thoughts back to the action he took several moments earlier that was playing on a continuous loop behind every thought until now and is currently at the forefront. There's a desire to try it again. For science, of course. There's no science behind k-- Shut up.
He nods back at him while Oswald nods far too much, incapable of keeping the corners of his mouth from curling upwards at how endearingly silly that was of him. Nod. Nod. ] Am I making you nervous? [ The answer is yes, of course. Ditto.
Oswald's smiling. Ed forces himself to stop doing it. Oswald's leaning forward and- For science, was it?
It's a hug. Of course, it's a hug. He wouldn't be so bold. How ridiculous. Ed's still initially but hugs him right back, as he always does. Oswald has never had a hug rejected (Yet? He can't imagine a scenario where he would.) He doesn't know what to say to being thanked for opening a line to him. Granting him permission to try and win affections. He might already have those.
Ed didn't ask for proof but Oswald knows his doubts. He knew what it sounded like. That's all he could ask for, he supposes. Proof it's not some misconception. What is love, Oswald? Do you know?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
action;
For a while he had convinced himself that freedom really did come from the denial of love, but discovering that he had a father that accepted and wanted him even knowing the things he'd committed was enough to start cracking the barrier of that belief. And then, in some poetic irony, the very person who had led Oswald to think building that wall was the best chance they had was the one to demolish it completely.
For a while it hadn't even registered that Ed was watching him or even paying attention at all until his question was countered with another. What he wanted to do...? Lots of things. Thousands of things. But when their hands reunited and Oswald reacted with a shy grin so swift that he barely realized it was there until a handful of moment passed, a thought came to him. A ridiculous, overly sentimental thought, but... surely if he said it in that special way it would mean so much more, wouldn't it? ]
What I want is... well, to give you something. Something very important. [ Brief silence. Like he was thinking. It would never be good enough, but didn't need to be. It just needed to carry the message. ] A fraction of it can make something worthwhile. I find some every time you smile. What is it? [ He forced himself to keep looking at him, biting his lip nervously. He would know the answer, of course, but it was hard to predict how he would react, especially to something so excessively drenched in emotion. ]
action;
He should keep an eye out.
There he is holding that hand again. It takes him by surprise again, that much is obvious, but only at Oswald's reaction to it. That shy grin. Like he wasn't just pulling his nails out of his mouth because it annoyed him. He lets his grip on it go lax and almost hesitantly pulls his hand back into himself. ]
[ He's staring again. Ed hates how befuddled he is about this. Oswald has no right to be this vexing. The riddle is something he can assign an answer to quickly but he says it slowly, looking over his glasses at him like he's unsure of it. Even doubting that, it seems. It's not the riddle itself it's the context, that it's really his smile and not just an imaginary person for the sake of the riddle. ]
Happiness. You want to give me happiness. [ Oh. He understands this part of it, at least. The rest he'll have to come to grips with. His expression falls into something more familiar. Clear. A tight smile after first that he softens up. He straightens himself, having at some point slowly sank down into a bit of a hunch just to get better eye-level with him while doing everything to puzzle him out. ]
I can accept that.
action;
Oswald allowed his hand fall back to his lap, but his eyes trailed after Ed's hand for a bit longer than needed. He was probably only seeing what he wanted to. Did hesitation make sense? The answer to the riddle he'd posed didn't take long to come, and when it did he nodded several times. Once to confirm he was correct, although that was unnecessary. A second time to emphasize what he wanted. A third time because he was still nervous. Still biting his lip. ]
I figure that's something we can share regardless of what happens, so -- [ He hadn't realized what he'd said at first. He blinked, processing it. ] Really? [ Don't smile. Don't smile. Don't -- He was smiling. Maybe it didn't seem like much, but hearing that Ed accepted any part of this struck him in a way he hadn't thought it would. Which is probably why he ended up quickly leaning forward and wrapping his arms around him. ] Thank you for giving me a chance. [ He didnt't add anything else at first, but after a short while of silence he spoke up again in a voice not much above a whisper. ] I really am going to prove it, Ed. I'm going to prove to you that I mean what I'm saying. I promise that I will.
action;
Utilized and taught and brought along.
Being loved works.
Being loved romantically doesn't take anything he wants away. It adds to it somewhat. Logically, rejecting the advance works against him. His own feelings on the matter are irrelevant. That's what he tells himself.
His own feelings on the matter, which are irrelevant but there, bring his thoughts back to the action he took several moments earlier that was playing on a continuous loop behind every thought until now and is currently at the forefront. There's a desire to try it again. For science, of course. There's no science behind k-- Shut up.
He nods back at him while Oswald nods far too much, incapable of keeping the corners of his mouth from curling upwards at how endearingly silly that was of him. Nod. Nod. ] Am I making you nervous? [ The answer is yes, of course. Ditto.
Oswald's smiling. Ed forces himself to stop doing it. Oswald's leaning forward and- For science, was it?
It's a hug. Of course, it's a hug. He wouldn't be so bold. How ridiculous. Ed's still initially but hugs him right back, as he always does. Oswald has never had a hug rejected (Yet? He can't imagine a scenario where he would.) He doesn't know what to say to being thanked for opening a line to him. Granting him permission to try and win affections. He might already have those.
Ed didn't ask for proof but Oswald knows his doubts. He knew what it sounded like. That's all he could ask for, he supposes. Proof it's not some misconception. What is love, Oswald? Do you know?
He holds on a little tighter. ]