[ Ed didn't move his hand away. He didn't move at all. He didn't aim to pull back. He didn't look away from him. He's trying to comprehend exactly what to do and how he feels about this and what it even means.
But he doesn't think he wants to leave. That's one decision made. Leaving the room isn't the right answer here.
Oswald's looking at him in a way that he simultaneously does and doesn't recognize. Something in the eyes. He's sure he's seen that expression on his face before. Sitting in front of a fire after Ed risked his life for him. (Because...?) Oswald had that looked and leaned forward and that's the only time Ed considered this outcome. He thought about this. Only a moment. But he hugged him and dismissed it.
He might have been disappointed about it. Dismissed at the time. As quickly as the thought came in. Lack of oxygen. Foolish thought. He would never-
Dismissed as an earnest expression Oswald puts towards people he values. Truly values. People he wouldn't stab in the back without a second thought. People he could-
Respect.
They've discussed love before. Called it a weakness yet continued to hold love in their hearts for the dearly departed. People who loved Oswald gave it so freely. Parents. Familial. Perhaps he's confused... Oswald's saying he doesn't doubt it. He's never questioned it. Accepted it as a fact. He doesn't doubt he feels something. A strong something. He's never felt this way before.
A crush. Crushes can be fleeting. The first one is the harshest.
Everything. Perfect. Words people don't give him. Kristen never said 'love' but he never thought she had to. She expressed it. He thinks. He's had the word slip out here but not as a straight and confident as Oswald declares it. Just noted as a potential. He dismissed it as an infatuation. Didn't want to stomp it down as he's had done to him. Repeatedly. Oswald's aware it sounds like infatuation at first. He's thought about it enough, he's sure.
Ed puts a hand over the one on his knee and inhales a breath. He tips his chin down, glancing down at that hand (Oswald has both now. It's noted. He doesn't do anything about it.) ]
Have you ever kissed someone before? [ Question 1. ]
[ It was strange to feel dreadful apprehension and hopeful anticipation so strongly all at once. Every negative worry seemed to have an opposite, vaguely brighter emotion that countered it. One second the fear seemed to win out, the next something in the way he was studying Ed's expression brought about the notion that there was the possibility that he didn't need to be afraid.
And then Ed took his hand. The smile that spread across his face moved so quickly, so genuinely, that he didn't even have time to think about it. His touch felt so right. Though possibly the most ridiculous thought he'd ever had, he wanted desperately to close his eyes and lose himself in the feeling, but when words that he had never expected came he lifted his eyes and the smile that resided on his features faded to something else entirely. ]
I -- [ Oswald felt himself staring for a fleeting handful of seconds, but not in shock like he had always assumed he would if something like this were to ever happen outside of his imagination and endless daydreaming. It was a momentary contemplation, however not one that lasted very long. Ed had definitely seen this look before. ] I haven't. But I want to. [ He hadn't even know that his voice could sound that soft, that sincere. In the past when he'd had this opportunity he'd been too afraid to take it, but why would he be given this second chance if it didn't mean anything? Something inside compelled him to lean closer, but that same force compelled him to act with more than his own desires in mind. He wouldn't be selfish. Deja vu with a new perspective. ] Tell me what you want.
[ Oswald might not know love like he's saying. He's never kissed anyone. He's never been in love. Ed keeps doubting he really means it. No one ever really means it. But you're his guy. Right? An obsession. Mistaken selfish desires. Their bond is undeniable and it could be easy to mistake feelings when you're unfamiliar with them. This is going to be bad for him. Oswald's wearing that smile again.
Ed is sure he knows, however. He's been in love. He can recognize love. He knows what it means and what one has to do to express it. And Ed knows everything, doesn't he? Do you know what you're feeling right now?
He has make it clear. Oswald leaned closer and Ed's having a harder time looking at him but keeps doing so. Forcing himself not to miss a detail here. A tell. Something validating the doubt. Something to clear this up. It's all a misunderstanding. This isn't real. Ed usually doesn't look this unsure of things. Just crumbling any stability and grasp he had on what was going on. Words he uses so superfluously on a regular basis failing him. Everything's caught in his throat.
Oswald's a puzzle. ] I-... [ Tell him. He doesn't know what he wants. It wasn't this, was it?
He's not sure. He has to test love. To solve this one. Figure it out what's real. This is probably a misunderstanding. That's why he leans in towards Oswald and does something he's only done to one other.
Then he pulls away, probably far sooner than the only chronologically living recipient of the action would like. A hand hovering closely to his mouth. Breath caught. He isn't looking at him anymore. ]
[ The validity of his love was something Oswald had never needed to question. It was true that he was inexperienced and often let his emotions overcome logic, but love was a feeling he did know. He wasn't intimately familiar with it in all of its forms, but in the end didn't all love make you feel similar things? Things like a desire to be around that person, to make them smile, to let them feel appreciated and understood?
But that wasn't all there was to it. You also needed to be willing to make choices that hurt one's self just so you might make their lives happier. That facet of love had been the hardest to learn. He'd almost taken too long. Maybe he already had. There was no way to be sure yet. Ed looked so... anxious. Out of control. Not in his element when he was always in his element. But still, watching with a gentle gaze, he dared to hope.
Then it happened, and the surprise he thought he'd prepared himself for was plain to see all over his face. The action made his heart beat in the most exhilarating way possible, and as the shock dissipated he found himself completely consumed by it. Eyes closed, his body angled close enough that he could feel the warmth emanating from the one he adored so dearly, he longed to caress his face and run his fingers through his hair, letting their bond be the only thing that existed for all of eternity, but --
But he pulled back. It was over. Wasn't it? Oswald could still feel the thrill of it spreading through him and the softness in the way they had connected. It was still so fresh that he couldn't even be sad that it had ended. He'd tipped his head down in a juvenile sort of shyness to hide the redness of his face and the way his hand had reached up to gingerly touch his lips, but when he looked up shortly after he could see that Ed hadn't felt anywhere the same about it as he did. Oswald froze up for a moment, his heart starting to sink as quickly as it had begun to soar. ]
...Ed? [ Oswald's eyebrows were furrowed. He looked conflicted. Felt conflicted. Was this it? The part where he had to sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of Ed's? Was he ready for that? He had to be. No other choices existed. But he wouldn't move his other hand until he knew with absolute certainty. Ed had once told him that he didn't have to wonder what was on his mind, he just needed to ask. So he would. No matter what the answer ended up being. ] What are you thinking?
[ Outside reflected a mess of emotions and thoughts on the inside. Ed isn't saying anything after. A completely arbitrary spot on the floor was chosen to focus attentions on.
Should he have done that?
His hand goes to ball up and he ends up just giving Oswald's a squeeze. Oh. Right. He forgot there was still contact. How long had that been there? He should take that back.
He doesn't. He just ends up staring at their hands like his head is completely elsewhere. ]
You know the last person that held my hand was strangled to death by it, right? [ It's blurted out.
[ In a way it felt wrong to see Ed's anxieties so openly out on display. It didn't spell out every thought that was going through his head, no, but it still said something. He wasn't sure that something was a thing he had entirely earned the right to see, but Ed still hadn't left. They were still there, together. When he felt his hand being squeezed, Oswald's own gaze landed at the same place Ed's was. It made him want to smile, but was that appropriate? He didn't know. He ended up biting his lip instead. ] What? [ He looked up at Ed again, trying to catch his eyes with his own. ] I've known that part of your past for quite a while, Ed. And I know you wouldn't hurt me. All you've ever done is try to prevent that, even if it meant you might be the one to get hurt instead. What happened before can't change how I feel right now. My trust is yours. You're the only one that's ever been able to earn it.
[ He's trying to hide those anxieties. Bury them down. He hadn't exactly wanted to state what he did. That wasn't even his main concern, was it? But he said something. He won't meet his eyes. He's hardly looking at him. Averting his gaze quickly after glancing up and catching Oswald trying to make eye contact.
He closes them instead. Shakes his head once. Tightens his jaw and inhales through his nose. What to do... what to do. He's composing himself. He looks back at him after a long moment, with a slightly better hold on things.
No. That was not the point he was trying to make with that comment. She hurt him first, didn't she? Not physically.
Ed wouldn't hurt Oswald. And the other way around? Well. He'll have to find out. ]
I do wish I could make this easier for you with a simple response. I don't mean to unintentionally toy with your emotions.
[ There was no use in forcing Ed to look at him. There were plenty of reasons he could think of why he wouldn't want to. If there was something else Oswald could say he certainly wasn't wise enough to know what it was, so he decided to simply watch the hands on the nearby clock move forward while the possibilities of his -- their -- future hung in a sense of limbo. He couldn't make Ed love him. Even if he did have that ability, he wouldn't use it. It had to be his choice or it didn't mean anything.
He felt Ed's gaze on him before he heard his voice, but regardless he waited until he was spoken to before looking back. Of course he would say that. Worry about his feelings. He didn't even deserve it at this point and still there had yet to be a straightforward rejection. He hadn't really been rejected at all thus far. It really was like everything was in limbo. He was stuck right on the line of being a happy man or... well, a very unhappy one. ]
I understand. [ Honestly, he did. ] If anything, I'm the guilty one. If I had just told you sooner... [ He trailed off, a sense of melancholy falling over his features. ] I'm sorry. If you need me to put my feelings aside, I will. For the sake of us remaining friends. Assuming you would want to.
[ Upsetting Oswald is the last thing he wants to do right now. But Ed is not giving a clear answer to this. He can't give one. Replying with a clear yes or no answer with such a delicate matter might lead to something regrettable if everything isn't taken into account. Feelings on the matter have to be sorted out.
He's looking at him again, having made a decision to reflect further upon this and not decide on anything right this minute. He knows how horrible it is to leave an answer left hanging but this isn't something that shouldn't be carefully deliberated. ]
You'll always be my best friend, Oswald. Remember that. [ Spoken with nothing but sincerity. Matter-of-fact. He wouldn't stop thinking so even if something got in the way. ]
I appreciate that you told me. [ Ed's own tone is purposely even - though with small pauses. Careful words. Eyes flickering up in thought for them in between focusing on his friend's face, studying it. Paying attention to certain aspects of it in detail. ] I'd rather not force you to continue as if nothing had been said at all. While currently incapable of deciding upon a course of action at the moment, an outright rejection of your now known affections is not on the table. I need to- [ He licks his lips. Goes to move his fingers around on his hand and seems mildly surprised he can't because he hasn't actually moved it away from Oswald's yet. ] -process and- [ He slips it away from him and places his hands on his lap, wiping it on his pant leg. ] Sorry. That was sweaty, wasn't it?
It would be hypocritical of me if I didn't. To make you wait so long yet be unwilling to give you time of your own would be...at best incredibly unfair. That's not to say I haven't been unfair to you this entire time. I know it must have been unnerving to be aware that I was keeping a secret from you. [ There was an undeniable tinge of regret in the way he spoke.
Oswald took pause for a moment, nodding slowly at the words. That they would always be best friends. It was reassurance that he would indeed remember, but it likely also served a second purpose as a buffer to how brutal the truth was going to be. Maybe it wasn't a simple answer because he'd interpreted so many things wrong, because Ed really had felt nothing in the gesture that he had seen nothing but beauty in, because his heart belonged to someone else as he had occasionally feared --
...he appreciated it? Why? Because the puzzle that had plagued him had finally been matched with an answer? And what was it that had him looking at his face so closely? Why were they still holding hands? ]
You... don't? [ Want him to pretend. Wouldn't it be easier on Ed if he did? Didn't things like this put a strain on friendship? Friendship was better than nothing. Maybe he could get Ed to reconsider if he used that angle. Surely he'd never accept him for real. The rejection wasn't outright, but -- ... he wasn't outright rejecting him? The concept of... them? Oswald stared at him for the briefest moment before realizing what he was attempting to do and loosening his grip enough for Ed to take his hand back. And then he was looking away and blushing again, and terribly so at that. ]
I-I hadn't noticed. It was probably my fault to begin with. [ What was he supposed to do now? ] I, um... thank you. [ Thank you for...? Listening to me? Believing me? Sharing with me a special moment that I've done nothing to deserve? Not rejecting me right away? Existing? All of those, maybe. He had such a strong desire to let go of his inhibitions and embrace him. To keep Ed close and in his arms as long as he could. But he didn't make a move. That would be going too far, wouldn't it? He was such a coward. ]
Edited (i literally got up out of bed to fix this) 2017-04-18 11:18 (UTC)
It was incredibly agitating. I wanted to pry the answer out of you. Apologies for being rude about it. I can imagine my provocations to try for it had ended up hurtful.
[ He needed the answer. If he didn't, they might not be having this conversation at all. He practically forced a confession out of him. But that's better for the both of them, having it out there. There should be no secrets between them, even if it's... whatever this is. He'd be slightly more forceful if they were to go back and repeat this and get it out sooner. ]
Repressing yourself for the take of a friendship that will still stay intact either way is pointless. And it may be. Enlightening. If I understood what differences in actions you may be taking without holding yourself back. I'm curious and I'm sure you're perfectly capable of not doing anything I'd clearly not in line with just yet. [ He holds his hand up a bit, wiggling his fingers. Hands. ] That was fine, for example. I suppose. [ Something timid about the way he looks off this time. Clears his throat. He looks back at him with more composure, something he gathers more of every time he looks away from him. Oswald is hard to keep a wall up around at the moment. He's vexing. ]
[ Firmly. ] Though please refrain from public displays of affection. I don't like those.
If memory serves I was the one who was hurtful to you first. I accept your apology, of course, but you really didn't need to give me one. As for me -- I don't think I can ever apologize enough.
[ Funny how sometimes you spend so much time worrying about hurting people that you end up hurting them. Unintentionally he'd sunken into himself a bit, both palms on either side of him flat against the couch as he bit at his lip in contemplation. A friendship that would stay intact either way. He lingered on that thought for a moment, just slightly smiling. Even if he ended up not having Ed, he'd still have him in the way he always had. It was sad but it was happy.
...or was it sad?
His eyebrows slowly rose at what else he had to say. Not even Oswald himself was sure what he would do if he wasn't holding back. Would it be that different? To him it seemed that the biggest difference is that Ed would know the real intent behind his actions instead of assuming everything he did was out of friendship only. His face turned a bit redder at what the implication of what "just yet" could mean, but despite his flustered state the timidness in Ed hadn't passed his notice. Was there really, actually a possibility? How silly was it that he wanted to giggle? But they were still being serious. Not now. ]
You don't need to worry about that. I'm not exactly the type for such things myself. [ Which he had always assumed was obvious, though perhaps not. ] I... admit that I hadn't considered what I would do if this was the direction things went. [ He looked off, nervously. ] What am I supposed to do now? [ He was so quiet that he may have been talking to himself. It was highly likely that he was. (He was.) Without thinking much about it he brought one hand to his mouth, his horrible habit of nail biting taking over. ]
[ Someone feels the need to apologize to him for loving him. What an odd event. One of their first conversations was about how love is a weakness and they're free without it. Invincible.
Would remove the heart if something came up?
Ed's watching him again, keeps doing so. Oswald's biting his lip. Oswald's smiling a little. Oswald's looking confused. He wonders how he must seem from his perspective. He thought he understood him better than this. There's a wave of disappointment for not solving the puzzle and needing to have it stated to him.
Oswald looks a little flustered. Ed has to turn his eyes down again. ]
I hadn't thought so. [ At least he had that part right. Too private for PDA. They both have an unspoken agreement to be somewhat secretive about even being publicly known friends here. It's better for gathering information, associates. Secrets. Advantageous. It was something he felt the need to state, however, to make it a bit clearer what he's open to. A roundabout way of granting a permission to ... act however he needs to act.
Oswald has no idea. Perhaps he was only restraining his words and acting upon everything else. What should he do? That might not have been directed at him but he responds to it all the same. Almost immediately. Like he's far too eager to know. ]
What do you want to do? [ Question 2. Head tipped down, looking at him very carefully. He got quiet back. Ed's own question asked in a quiet lower tone. An edge to it that could be hard to place.
Without a thought, Ed grabs the hand away from Oswald's mouth and lowers it. Horrible habit. Too distracting. He holds it hostage. Keep talking. ]
[ Not for loving him. He could never be sorry for that even if he wanted to be. No, what he was sorry for was that he had loved him in the entirely wrong way for so long.
For a while he had convinced himself that freedom really did come from the denial of love, but discovering that he had a father that accepted and wanted him even knowing the things he'd committed was enough to start cracking the barrier of that belief. And then, in some poetic irony, the very person who had led Oswald to think building that wall was the best chance they had was the one to demolish it completely.
For a while it hadn't even registered that Ed was watching him or even paying attention at all until his question was countered with another. What he wanted to do...? Lots of things. Thousands of things. But when their hands reunited and Oswald reacted with a shy grin so swift that he barely realized it was there until a handful of moment passed, a thought came to him. A ridiculous, overly sentimental thought, but... surely if he said it in that special way it would mean so much more, wouldn't it? ]
What I want is... well, to give you something. Something very important. [ Brief silence. Like he was thinking. It would never be good enough, but didn't need to be. It just needed to carry the message. ] A fraction of it can make something worthwhile. I find some every time you smile. What is it? [ He forced himself to keep looking at him, biting his lip nervously. He would know the answer, of course, but it was hard to predict how he would react, especially to something so excessively drenched in emotion. ]
[ How obvious had Oswald been about this to others around them? Ed hadn't noticed himself but he wasn't looking for it. If you know what someone loves, you know their weakness. Because that's what it is.
He should keep an eye out.
There he is holding that hand again. It takes him by surprise again, that much is obvious, but only at Oswald's reaction to it. That shy grin. Like he wasn't just pulling his nails out of his mouth because it annoyed him. He lets his grip on it go lax and almost hesitantly pulls his hand back into himself. ]
[ He's staring again. Ed hates how befuddled he is about this. Oswald has no right to be this vexing. The riddle is something he can assign an answer to quickly but he says it slowly, looking over his glasses at him like he's unsure of it. Even doubting that, it seems. It's not the riddle itself it's the context, that it's really his smile and not just an imaginary person for the sake of the riddle. ]
Happiness. You want to give me happiness. [ Oh. He understands this part of it, at least. The rest he'll have to come to grips with. His expression falls into something more familiar. Clear. A tight smile after first that he softens up. He straightens himself, having at some point slowly sank down into a bit of a hunch just to get better eye-level with him while doing everything to puzzle him out. ]
[ It really was ridiculous. Smiling like that when Ed hadn't done what he had for any affectionate reason. But it felt good to be free about it. To not have to turn his head or lie about what he was really thinking. He'd done so much lying, and not even that had saved him every time. Grell couldn't prove it, but she knew. She was too intuitive not to know. Dave... Dave was trustworthy. He hoped.
Oswald allowed his hand fall back to his lap, but his eyes trailed after Ed's hand for a bit longer than needed. He was probably only seeing what he wanted to. Did hesitation make sense? The answer to the riddle he'd posed didn't take long to come, and when it did he nodded several times. Once to confirm he was correct, although that was unnecessary. A second time to emphasize what he wanted. A third time because he was still nervous. Still biting his lip. ]
I figure that's something we can share regardless of what happens, so -- [ He hadn't realized what he'd said at first. He blinked, processing it. ] Really? [ Don't smile. Don't smile. Don't -- He was smiling. Maybe it didn't seem like much, but hearing that Ed accepted any part of this struck him in a way he hadn't thought it would. Which is probably why he ended up quickly leaning forward and wrapping his arms around him. ] Thank you for giving me a chance. [ He didnt't add anything else at first, but after a short while of silence he spoke up again in a voice not much above a whisper. ] I really am going to prove it, Ed. I'm going to prove to you that I mean what I'm saying. I promise that I will.
[ Oswald being happy is something he wants. Oswald needing him was always part of the plan. Ed wanted him depending on him for things. Enjoying his company. Trusting. Working with. Ed wanted to be indispensable. Immune to his wrath.
Utilized and taught and brought along.
Being loved works. Being loved romantically doesn't take anything he wants away. It adds to it somewhat. Logically, rejecting the advance works against him. His own feelings on the matter are irrelevant. That's what he tells himself.
His own feelings on the matter, which are irrelevant but there, bring his thoughts back to the action he took several moments earlier that was playing on a continuous loop behind every thought until now and is currently at the forefront. There's a desire to try it again. For science, of course. There's no science behind k-- Shut up.
He nods back at him while Oswald nods far too much, incapable of keeping the corners of his mouth from curling upwards at how endearingly silly that was of him. Nod. Nod. ] Am I making you nervous? [ The answer is yes, of course. Ditto.
Oswald's smiling. Ed forces himself to stop doing it. Oswald's leaning forward and- For science, was it?
It's a hug. Of course, it's a hug. He wouldn't be so bold. How ridiculous. Ed's still initially but hugs him right back, as he always does. Oswald has never had a hug rejected (Yet? He can't imagine a scenario where he would.) He doesn't know what to say to being thanked for opening a line to him. Granting him permission to try and win affections. He might already have those.
Ed didn't ask for proof but Oswald knows his doubts. He knew what it sounded like. That's all he could ask for, he supposes. Proof it's not some misconception. What is love, Oswald? Do you know?
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But he doesn't think he wants to leave. That's one decision made. Leaving the room isn't the right answer here.
Oswald's looking at him in a way that he simultaneously does and doesn't recognize. Something in the eyes. He's sure he's seen that expression on his face before. Sitting in front of a fire after Ed risked his life for him. (Because...?) Oswald had that looked and leaned forward and that's the only time Ed considered this outcome. He thought about this. Only a moment. But he hugged him and dismissed it.
He might have been disappointed about it. Dismissed at the time. As quickly as the thought came in. Lack of oxygen. Foolish thought. He would never-
Dismissed as an earnest expression Oswald puts towards people he values. Truly values. People he wouldn't stab in the back without a second thought. People he could-
Respect.
They've discussed love before. Called it a weakness yet continued to hold love in their hearts for the dearly departed. People who loved Oswald gave it so freely. Parents. Familial. Perhaps he's confused... Oswald's saying he doesn't doubt it. He's never questioned it. Accepted it as a fact. He doesn't doubt he feels something. A strong something. He's never felt this way before.
A crush. Crushes can be fleeting. The first one is the harshest.
Everything. Perfect. Words people don't give him. Kristen never said 'love' but he never thought she had to. She expressed it. He thinks. He's had the word slip out here but not as a straight and confident as Oswald declares it. Just noted as a potential. He dismissed it as an infatuation. Didn't want to stomp it down as he's had done to him. Repeatedly. Oswald's aware it sounds like infatuation at first. He's thought about it enough, he's sure.
Ed puts a hand over the one on his knee and inhales a breath. He tips his chin down, glancing down at that hand (Oswald has both now. It's noted. He doesn't do anything about it.) ]
Have you ever kissed someone before? [ Question 1. ]
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And then Ed took his hand. The smile that spread across his face moved so quickly, so genuinely, that he didn't even have time to think about it. His touch felt so right. Though possibly the most ridiculous thought he'd ever had, he wanted desperately to close his eyes and lose himself in the feeling, but when words that he had never expected came he lifted his eyes and the smile that resided on his features faded to something else entirely. ]
I -- [ Oswald felt himself staring for a fleeting handful of seconds, but not in shock like he had always assumed he would if something like this were to ever happen outside of his imagination and endless daydreaming. It was a momentary contemplation, however not one that lasted very long. Ed had definitely seen this look before. ] I haven't. But I want to. [ He hadn't even know that his voice could sound that soft, that sincere. In the past when he'd had this opportunity he'd been too afraid to take it, but why would he be given this second chance if it didn't mean anything? Something inside compelled him to lean closer, but that same force compelled him to act with more than his own desires in mind. He wouldn't be selfish. Deja vu with a new perspective. ] Tell me what you want.
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Ed is sure he knows, however. He's been in love. He can recognize love. He knows what it means and what one has to do to express it. And Ed knows everything, doesn't he? Do you know what you're feeling right now?
He has make it clear. Oswald leaned closer and Ed's having a harder time looking at him but keeps doing so. Forcing himself not to miss a detail here. A tell. Something validating the doubt. Something to clear this up. It's all a misunderstanding. This isn't real. Ed usually doesn't look this unsure of things. Just crumbling any stability and grasp he had on what was going on. Words he uses so superfluously on a regular basis failing him. Everything's caught in his throat.
Oswald's a puzzle. ] I-... [ Tell him. He doesn't know what he wants. It wasn't this, was it?
He's not sure. He has to test love. To solve this one. Figure it out what's real. This is probably a misunderstanding. That's why he leans in towards Oswald and does something he's only done to one other.
Then he pulls away, probably far sooner than the only chronologically living recipient of the action would like. A hand hovering closely to his mouth. Breath caught. He isn't looking at him anymore. ]
Oh god.
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But that wasn't all there was to it. You also needed to be willing to make choices that hurt one's self just so you might make their lives happier. That facet of love had been the hardest to learn. He'd almost taken too long. Maybe he already had. There was no way to be sure yet. Ed looked so... anxious. Out of control. Not in his element when he was always in his element. But still, watching with a gentle gaze, he dared to hope.
Then it happened, and the surprise he thought he'd prepared himself for was plain to see all over his face. The action made his heart beat in the most exhilarating way possible, and as the shock dissipated he found himself completely consumed by it. Eyes closed, his body angled close enough that he could feel the warmth emanating from the one he adored so dearly, he longed to caress his face and run his fingers through his hair, letting their bond be the only thing that existed for all of eternity, but --
But he pulled back. It was over. Wasn't it? Oswald could still feel the thrill of it spreading through him and the softness in the way they had connected. It was still so fresh that he couldn't even be sad that it had ended. He'd tipped his head down in a juvenile sort of shyness to hide the redness of his face and the way his hand had reached up to gingerly touch his lips, but when he looked up shortly after he could see that Ed hadn't felt anywhere the same about it as he did. Oswald froze up for a moment, his heart starting to sink as quickly as it had begun to soar. ]
...Ed? [ Oswald's eyebrows were furrowed. He looked conflicted. Felt conflicted. Was this it? The part where he had to sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of Ed's? Was he ready for that? He had to be. No other choices existed. But he wouldn't move his other hand until he knew with absolute certainty. Ed had once told him that he didn't have to wonder what was on his mind, he just needed to ask. So he would. No matter what the answer ended up being. ] What are you thinking?
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Should he have done that?
His hand goes to ball up and he ends up just giving Oswald's a squeeze. Oh. Right. He forgot there was still contact. How long had that been there? He should take that back.
He doesn't. He just ends up staring at their hands like his head is completely elsewhere. ]
You know the last person that held my hand was strangled to death by it, right? [ It's blurted out.
Well. He's thinking about a lot of things. ]
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He closes them instead. Shakes his head once. Tightens his jaw and inhales through his nose. What to do... what to do. He's composing himself. He looks back at him after a long moment, with a slightly better hold on things.
No. That was not the point he was trying to make with that comment. She hurt him first, didn't she? Not physically.
Ed wouldn't hurt Oswald. And the other way around? Well. He'll have to find out. ]
I do wish I could make this easier for you with a simple response. I don't mean to unintentionally toy with your emotions.
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He felt Ed's gaze on him before he heard his voice, but regardless he waited until he was spoken to before looking back. Of course he would say that. Worry about his feelings. He didn't even deserve it at this point and still there had yet to be a straightforward rejection. He hadn't really been rejected at all thus far. It really was like everything was in limbo. He was stuck right on the line of being a happy man or... well, a very unhappy one. ]
I understand. [ Honestly, he did. ] If anything, I'm the guilty one. If I had just told you sooner... [ He trailed off, a sense of melancholy falling over his features. ] I'm sorry. If you need me to put my feelings aside, I will. For the sake of us remaining friends. Assuming you would want to.
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[ Upsetting Oswald is the last thing he wants to do right now. But Ed is not giving a clear answer to this. He can't give one. Replying with a clear yes or no answer with such a delicate matter might lead to something regrettable if everything isn't taken into account. Feelings on the matter have to be sorted out.
He's looking at him again, having made a decision to reflect further upon this and not decide on anything right this minute. He knows how horrible it is to leave an answer left hanging but this isn't something that shouldn't be carefully deliberated. ]
You'll always be my best friend, Oswald. Remember that. [ Spoken with nothing but sincerity. Matter-of-fact. He wouldn't stop thinking so even if something got in the way. ]
I appreciate that you told me. [ Ed's own tone is purposely even - though with small pauses. Careful words. Eyes flickering up in thought for them in between focusing on his friend's face, studying it. Paying attention to certain aspects of it in detail. ] I'd rather not force you to continue as if nothing had been said at all. While currently incapable of deciding upon a course of action at the moment, an outright rejection of your now known affections is not on the table. I need to- [ He licks his lips. Goes to move his fingers around on his hand and seems mildly surprised he can't because he hasn't actually moved it away from Oswald's yet. ] -process and- [ He slips it away from him and places his hands on his lap, wiping it on his pant leg. ] Sorry. That was sweaty, wasn't it?
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Oswald took pause for a moment, nodding slowly at the words. That they would always be best friends. It was reassurance that he would indeed remember, but it likely also served a second purpose as a buffer to how brutal the truth was going to be. Maybe it wasn't a simple answer because he'd interpreted so many things wrong, because Ed really had felt nothing in the gesture that he had seen nothing but beauty in, because his heart belonged to someone else as he had occasionally feared --
...he appreciated it? Why? Because the puzzle that had plagued him had finally been matched with an answer? And what was it that had him looking at his face so closely? Why were they still holding hands? ]
You... don't? [ Want him to pretend. Wouldn't it be easier on Ed if he did? Didn't things like this put a strain on friendship? Friendship was better than nothing. Maybe he could get Ed to reconsider if he used that angle. Surely he'd never accept him for real. The rejection wasn't outright, but -- ... he wasn't outright rejecting him? The concept of... them? Oswald stared at him for the briefest moment before realizing what he was attempting to do and loosening his grip enough for Ed to take his hand back. And then he was looking away and blushing again, and terribly so at that. ]
I-I hadn't noticed. It was probably my fault to begin with. [ What was he supposed to do now? ] I, um... thank you. [ Thank you for...? Listening to me? Believing me? Sharing with me a special moment that I've done nothing to deserve? Not rejecting me right away? Existing? All of those, maybe. He had such a strong desire to let go of his inhibitions and embrace him. To keep Ed close and in his arms as long as he could. But he didn't make a move. That would be going too far, wouldn't it? He was such a coward. ]
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[ He needed the answer. If he didn't, they might not be having this conversation at all. He practically forced a confession out of him. But that's better for the both of them, having it out there. There should be no secrets between them, even if it's... whatever this is. He'd be slightly more forceful if they were to go back and repeat this and get it out sooner. ]
Repressing yourself for the take of a friendship that will still stay intact either way is pointless. And it may be. Enlightening. If I understood what differences in actions you may be taking without holding yourself back. I'm curious and I'm sure you're perfectly capable of not doing anything I'd clearly not in line with just yet. [ He holds his hand up a bit, wiggling his fingers. Hands. ] That was fine, for example. I suppose. [ Something timid about the way he looks off this time. Clears his throat. He looks back at him with more composure, something he gathers more of every time he looks away from him. Oswald is hard to keep a wall up around at the moment. He's vexing. ]
[ Firmly. ] Though please refrain from public displays of affection. I don't like those.
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[ Funny how sometimes you spend so much time worrying about hurting people that you end up hurting them. Unintentionally he'd sunken into himself a bit, both palms on either side of him flat against the couch as he bit at his lip in contemplation. A friendship that would stay intact either way. He lingered on that thought for a moment, just slightly smiling. Even if he ended up not having Ed, he'd still have him in the way he always had. It was sad but it was happy.
...or was it sad?
His eyebrows slowly rose at what else he had to say. Not even Oswald himself was sure what he would do if he wasn't holding back. Would it be that different? To him it seemed that the biggest difference is that Ed would know the real intent behind his actions instead of assuming everything he did was out of friendship only. His face turned a bit redder at what the implication of what "just yet" could mean, but despite his flustered state the timidness in Ed hadn't passed his notice. Was there really, actually a possibility? How silly was it that he wanted to giggle? But they were still being serious. Not now. ]
You don't need to worry about that. I'm not exactly the type for such things myself. [ Which he had always assumed was obvious, though perhaps not. ] I... admit that I hadn't considered what I would do if this was the direction things went. [ He looked off, nervously. ] What am I supposed to do now? [ He was so quiet that he may have been talking to himself. It was highly likely that he was. (He was.) Without thinking much about it he brought one hand to his mouth, his horrible habit of nail biting taking over. ]
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Would remove the heart if something came up?
Ed's watching him again, keeps doing so. Oswald's biting his lip. Oswald's smiling a little. Oswald's looking confused. He wonders how he must seem from his perspective. He thought he understood him better than this. There's a wave of disappointment for not solving the puzzle and needing to have it stated to him.
Oswald looks a little flustered. Ed has to turn his eyes down again. ]
I hadn't thought so. [ At least he had that part right. Too private for PDA. They both have an unspoken agreement to be somewhat secretive about even being publicly known friends here. It's better for gathering information, associates. Secrets. Advantageous. It was something he felt the need to state, however, to make it a bit clearer what he's open to. A roundabout way of granting a permission to ... act however he needs to act.
Oswald has no idea. Perhaps he was only restraining his words and acting upon everything else. What should he do? That might not have been directed at him but he responds to it all the same. Almost immediately. Like he's far too eager to know. ]
What do you want to do? [ Question 2. Head tipped down, looking at him very carefully. He got quiet back. Ed's own question asked in a quiet lower tone. An edge to it that could be hard to place.
Without a thought, Ed grabs the hand away from Oswald's mouth and lowers it. Horrible habit. Too distracting. He holds it hostage. Keep talking. ]
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For a while he had convinced himself that freedom really did come from the denial of love, but discovering that he had a father that accepted and wanted him even knowing the things he'd committed was enough to start cracking the barrier of that belief. And then, in some poetic irony, the very person who had led Oswald to think building that wall was the best chance they had was the one to demolish it completely.
For a while it hadn't even registered that Ed was watching him or even paying attention at all until his question was countered with another. What he wanted to do...? Lots of things. Thousands of things. But when their hands reunited and Oswald reacted with a shy grin so swift that he barely realized it was there until a handful of moment passed, a thought came to him. A ridiculous, overly sentimental thought, but... surely if he said it in that special way it would mean so much more, wouldn't it? ]
What I want is... well, to give you something. Something very important. [ Brief silence. Like he was thinking. It would never be good enough, but didn't need to be. It just needed to carry the message. ] A fraction of it can make something worthwhile. I find some every time you smile. What is it? [ He forced himself to keep looking at him, biting his lip nervously. He would know the answer, of course, but it was hard to predict how he would react, especially to something so excessively drenched in emotion. ]
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He should keep an eye out.
There he is holding that hand again. It takes him by surprise again, that much is obvious, but only at Oswald's reaction to it. That shy grin. Like he wasn't just pulling his nails out of his mouth because it annoyed him. He lets his grip on it go lax and almost hesitantly pulls his hand back into himself. ]
[ He's staring again. Ed hates how befuddled he is about this. Oswald has no right to be this vexing. The riddle is something he can assign an answer to quickly but he says it slowly, looking over his glasses at him like he's unsure of it. Even doubting that, it seems. It's not the riddle itself it's the context, that it's really his smile and not just an imaginary person for the sake of the riddle. ]
Happiness. You want to give me happiness. [ Oh. He understands this part of it, at least. The rest he'll have to come to grips with. His expression falls into something more familiar. Clear. A tight smile after first that he softens up. He straightens himself, having at some point slowly sank down into a bit of a hunch just to get better eye-level with him while doing everything to puzzle him out. ]
I can accept that.
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Oswald allowed his hand fall back to his lap, but his eyes trailed after Ed's hand for a bit longer than needed. He was probably only seeing what he wanted to. Did hesitation make sense? The answer to the riddle he'd posed didn't take long to come, and when it did he nodded several times. Once to confirm he was correct, although that was unnecessary. A second time to emphasize what he wanted. A third time because he was still nervous. Still biting his lip. ]
I figure that's something we can share regardless of what happens, so -- [ He hadn't realized what he'd said at first. He blinked, processing it. ] Really? [ Don't smile. Don't smile. Don't -- He was smiling. Maybe it didn't seem like much, but hearing that Ed accepted any part of this struck him in a way he hadn't thought it would. Which is probably why he ended up quickly leaning forward and wrapping his arms around him. ] Thank you for giving me a chance. [ He didnt't add anything else at first, but after a short while of silence he spoke up again in a voice not much above a whisper. ] I really am going to prove it, Ed. I'm going to prove to you that I mean what I'm saying. I promise that I will.
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Utilized and taught and brought along.
Being loved works.
Being loved romantically doesn't take anything he wants away. It adds to it somewhat. Logically, rejecting the advance works against him. His own feelings on the matter are irrelevant. That's what he tells himself.
His own feelings on the matter, which are irrelevant but there, bring his thoughts back to the action he took several moments earlier that was playing on a continuous loop behind every thought until now and is currently at the forefront. There's a desire to try it again. For science, of course. There's no science behind k-- Shut up.
He nods back at him while Oswald nods far too much, incapable of keeping the corners of his mouth from curling upwards at how endearingly silly that was of him. Nod. Nod. ] Am I making you nervous? [ The answer is yes, of course. Ditto.
Oswald's smiling. Ed forces himself to stop doing it. Oswald's leaning forward and- For science, was it?
It's a hug. Of course, it's a hug. He wouldn't be so bold. How ridiculous. Ed's still initially but hugs him right back, as he always does. Oswald has never had a hug rejected (Yet? He can't imagine a scenario where he would.) He doesn't know what to say to being thanked for opening a line to him. Granting him permission to try and win affections. He might already have those.
Ed didn't ask for proof but Oswald knows his doubts. He knew what it sounded like. That's all he could ask for, he supposes. Proof it's not some misconception. What is love, Oswald? Do you know?
He holds on a little tighter. ]