[ The uncertainty had been there for a while. A long while. He knew very well that he hadn't been the best at hiding it, either, so how was it that Ed hadn't figured him out by now? Or had he but wanted to hear it straight from Oswald himself? Even worse, what if he had intention to reject him before he even managed to say it? But there was no evidence of that. Not yet. He needed to stay focused on the moment he was in, not what would come after. He sat again with a bit of hesitance, and once Ed joined him he could feel his heart rate increasing.
Keep moving forward. Keep moving forward. Ed deserves to know. ]
I... need to ask you something first. You've always been honest with me. You've always trusted me. Why?
[ It's a blind spot. Presumed to be the oddities of real friendship. Of Oswald. He doesn't see the solution to this. Not really. There's a crack in his expression.
A flash of surprise. Confusion. Why is he asking that? ] Why? [ He repeats it. Is this a riddle? ] Because... [ He pauses, carefully considering the answer. He has that one, doesn't he? He licks his lips, looking away from him. Picking and choosing what to say. Because they're best friends. Because he never lied to him, about disliking him or not. And... Why is he asking that? ] Because I believe we're the same. [ Different. No one else measures up.
He states earnestly before his expression tightens, lips pressing together in a thin line again. Suspicious. Paranoid. He looks back at him quickly. ]
Why? [ A pause ] I must admit, if this is some sort of test of my trustworthiness... [ Why would you doubt him? ]
[ Again, he was waiting. Waiting for what Ed would do and say. It was horrible, he knew, but if he reacted with that kind of emotion it had to mean he didn't hate him just yet, didn't it? The constant push and pull of his doubts and hopes vying for control was almost too much, but the answer he got made him take pause.
The same.
Despite himself, a barely visible hint of a smile tugged at his lips. It was small and in a way very insecure, thoughts in the back of his mind telling him he had no business to be smiling at a time like this, but the notion was a comfort. He didn't hate him yet. His own expression was one quick to turn to surprise at what he said next, and without thinking he placed both hands over one of Ed's and shook his head intently. ]
I would never test your trust. I've never even thought about it. Ed, you are not the problem. Not in a single way, I assure you. It's just -- [ He realized it then. The sensation of skin against skin registered in his mind all at once and in a swift instant he withdrew his touch, an intense heat burning at his face in embarrassment. He repositioned himself so that he was turned away from Ed, the hands that were moments ago so at home where they had been now clenched and resting on his knees. Stupid. Moronic. Idiotic.
But he had to keep going. It took him a moment, but he did. ]
The reason I asked is because... because I don't deserve it. [ It was surprising how easily those words came. ] I've lied to you, Ed. In pursuit of keeping my secret I've told you so many mistruths and given so many roundabout answers that I can't possibly deserve your honesty anymore. I... I was selfish and I hurt you.
[ More and more emotion was into his voice and mannerisms as he went on, but as hard as it was he didn't try to vanquish the feelings or put himself in control again. Ed had been vulnerable to him. At his mercy, even. He'd trusted him with the side of himself he'd deemed lesser, yet --
Oswald froze. His expression was hard to pinpoint, but it was certain that he'd just realized something very important. Very important. Something he should have already known, but maybe it had fallen into place just when it needed to. Maybe he could really do this. With a determination he hadn't realized he possessed until that very second, he turned back to face the man beside him. ] There is one thing I haven't trusted you with, Ed, but I do want to share it with you. I'm ready to, if you'll let me. [ He inhaled, knowing that if he opened this door there was no going back. But did he want to go back? ] I'm strong and tough but can be broken in ways. If I stop working it's the end of your days. What am I?
[ Oswald's doubting him and he has no idea why. Ed had suspected at some point, Oswald may think Ed might have outlived his usefulness to him. He tried to make himself invaluable. Irreplaceable. Everything would be entirely off balance if he removed himself or was removed that way.
But Oswald showed up when he hadn't anything to offer so there was a certain camaraderie on top of it. Invaluable as a friend to Oswald, who is a emotional being. The only friend around. And yet here they are and he's been asked to explain why he even bothers. It's insulting. He thought it was obvious they were mutually beneficial to each-other, if only from a business standpoint.
He half expects him to say he's been replaced and services are no longer needed. Jokes on you. Friendship is and always has been a sham. Instead Oswald's got hands over his own and saying something about being undeserving of honesty. There's telling changes, both in tone and movement. That's not it then. Something is very wrong here. Unless this is a trick? Oswald is a convincing liar but not that convincing. There isn't anything to gain.
Ed keeps searching him, that cold look he was trying to keep on him to remain logical in approach is cracking. Ed just looks lost about it now. What deep shameful secret could it possibly be? He starts running a list of things he'd think Oswald would still be embarrassed to share. False identity? A split half that killed the other end? (He would have known that by now.) Disease? (Ed's tested him. He's sure he knows that.) A child? (Highly unlikely.) By all accounts it doesn't make sense and yet he's sat down here like Oswald is about to confess he's on his deathbed due to some horrible experimentation he felt the need to hide for foolish reasons. (Also unlikely.) ]
Your heart. [ . . . ?
Dumbfounded. He stares, unblinking. ] Is something wrong with it? [ How many heart conditions does he know off the top of his head? His father was dying of one before being poisoned by a wretched woman. He could easily solve that one. ]
[ It would have crushed Oswald to know that Ed had that many doubts about the foundation of their friendship. It wasn't to say that he hadn't had his own worries as of late, but Ed's were so intense in a way he hadn't realized for so long. Even though he had begun to understand, he hadn't been sure that worry was something he would react with until he saw his expression slowly fading to something less like the mask he wore when he trying to keep himself in check. Was it possible that they both felt vulnerable?
Oswald gave a small nod at the correct answer, but he had to stop himself from putting his fingers to his mouth out of nerves. He'd been almost certain Ed wouldn't understand the meaning at first, but that wasn't the conclusion he'd thought he would make. Once again he was shaking his head, and again he was reaching to touch him. Why fight it? His hand landed on his upper arm, grasping it in what he realized was an attempt to assure both of them. ]
There's nothing wrong with my heart, Ed. It's the complete opposite. I think I'm finally learning how to use it. [ A quiet, breathy laugh accompanied his words, as did an earnest albeit unassuming smile. He put his head down momentarily, but upon looking up again he knew he had to explain what that meant. He'd been counting on needing to explain. He needed to make Ed believe how important he was to him if his confession was going to mean anything in the end. ] Do you remember, before we were here, how I wished for someone to share my good fortune with? [ A short pause. ] I mean. Of course you remember. You would never forget. You remember everything about everyth-- [ He'd begun gesturing too much. Had he really started rambling like that? There was a tinge of embarrassment to his expression for the second time since they'd sat, but he didn't have time to stop and hide it this time. Hiding it wasn't going to help his case. But he did need to be as composed as possible to get the words to align themselves properly. After a short second, he began again. ]
After mother and father passed, I almost believed that I was meant to live the rest of my life without anyone beside me at all. It didn't feel possible that anyone could care about me so mutually again. Without... judging me or looking down on me or believing there's nothing at all in me that's good. But then there was you. [ His eyes had begun growing cloudy, emotion that had been pent up for so long on the verge of being released. He still hadn't withdrawn his hand. ] You're the only one that has been there to prove to me time and time that I'm not alone. You... you almost died for me, Ed. You were willing to sacrifice everything for me. Because you cared. There was nothing for you to gain, no game to win. It was because you cared. [ He took his hand back and covered his mouth, the water at the brim of his eyes becoming harder to keep dammed. Saying everything out loud made it feel even more real, even when he thought he couldn't have felt any more deeply than he already did. Is that what it felt like to really love someone? He blinked heavily in hopes that it would keep the tears from coming, but it barely mattered. It was only a matter of time before he cried. He couldn't stop it. He couldn't stop anything anymore. ]
What I've wanted to say is what you've done for me has changed me. [ His voice was cracking. He must have been both acting and looking a mess, but he didn't care. For once he just didn't care. ] You changed me, just by being you. I've discovered that for all my searching, the only person I could ever need or want was already with me. I know you might not believe anything I say because I've been so cruelly dishonest, but I'm begging you to understand that right now I'm being more honest with you than I've ever been with anyone in my entire life. I hid myself away because I didn't want to ruin what we already had, but the truth... [ His tears were finally flowing freely, but for a reason he couldn't explain he was still smiling that small smile of hope. He took Ed's hand, gently closing his own around it. ] The truth is, Ed, I adore you. Every single part of you. And I... I love you. Deeply, completely, truthfully, unquestionably. I love you, Edward Nygma.
[ And now all he could do was search his eyes and hope. Hope that somehow, someway, Ed would still accept him. That he would still care. That maybe best friends wasn't the only thing they could be. ]
[ The complete opposite. Rich men want it, wise men know it, the poor all need it. Ed looks down at Oswald's hand then back at his face. So the secret would be that he had found someone, after all. He hadn't expected it and has no idea who it could be and feels entirely foolish for not noticing earlier. Such an obvious answer. Highly unlikely but obvious. There were signs. Stupid stupid stupid...
Oswald noted he wanted to share things with someone. The romantic. Oswald's getting emotional about it. His insides twist. Ed keeps staring ahead at him. He keeps his lip tightly shut. Jaw clenching. Displeased. Disappointed. He's not sure what he's feeling about it. He doesn't know what to say while Oswald goes on and he thinks it most likely won't be something Oswald's pleased with when he does finally say something. He's not exactly happy for him.
It doesn't make sense. It shouldn't have happened. Everyone here isn't someone to pursue a romance with. The only people around that are viable options for Oswald are people would might take advantage. This is going to get in the way of their friendship. A trick. A plot. A puzzle he should have noticed far sooner than now. He couldn't tell him because the other end of it is forcing him not to somehow. Oswald wouldn't think he feels this way otherwise, right?
'Because you cared.' And Ed thinks he's about to hear some foolish proposal that Oswald's about to get married in a brainwashed fit to some person he met a week ago. You cared and that's why you get to be best man. No. He has to turn that down. It puts a sour taste in his mouth and he thinks his head is throbbing. This is going to crush him and he starts working the correct way to speak against it.
Oswald's voice is cracking. He keeps putting the focus on Ed and he doesn't know why. He needs to tell him who it is so he can figure out what warped possession they've inflicted on his heart and to what end. It's enraging. Horrible. Ed's got fists for hands on his lap. He should have been paying more attention. He's trying to figure it out and there's blood pumping loud in his ears.
He should be paying more attention. He almost doesn't hear it. His breath hitches and he focuses back on Oswald completely. Like he just got slapped in the face. A bucket of ice water dumped over his head. Oswald with tears in his eyes looking at him far too hopefully to make any sort of sense. ]
What? [ It comes out a breathless whisper. Everything went silent. You could hear a penny drop. ] ...You... love me? [ That's ridiculous.
But he's saying it right to his face and there's an undeniable explanation for certain courses of action Oswald's taken. Words. Looks. Touches. It doesn't make sense but it does. ]
I- [ He questions the validity of the statement. It occurs to him that he's never heard those words out of anyone's mouth. Not even blood relations. Ed goes quiet. So very quiet. Just staring at him in some sort of shock. At a loss. Completely lost.
What the hell does that mean? Oswald wins. He stumped him. He had the wrong answer to this one. Is that a good thing? ]
[ Much of Ed's response had been close to or exactly how Oswald had imagined it would be. The confusion, the frustration, that certain look he got on his face when he couldn't put the puzzle pieces in the right order fast enough. All of that he had seen before.
What he couldn't have anticipated, though, was just what he would do when those three specific words came and were finally allowed to float freely in the space between them. Disbelief, even shock was an easy guess, but what was to come after that? Anger? Raw, unhesitating rejection? Would he say their friendship was over? Ask why Oswald was still lying even when he wasn't? As always, almost impossible to read. But something gave him a clue. Another thread of hope. Ed could have moved his hand away, but he hadn't. They were still connected.
And that gave him courage. ]
It's true. [ Oswald's reply was quiet as well, but not for lack of conviction. His expression remained the same. Open, earnest, loving. Accepting, even. Accepting that if Ed needed time, he'd give it to him. If Ed needed proof, he'd give it to him. Whatever he needed or wanted, Oswald wanted to provide it. For Ed, he wanted to be selfless. Had he ever truly wanted that before? ] I love you, Ed. No one has ever made me feel this way and no one else ever could. It's only you. [ He ventured a soft squeeze of Ed's hand, eyes still locked on his. His face remained stained with tears, and although for a moment he wondered if that would make him look weaker he dismissed the notion. No hiding. Honesty only. ]
It... it has occurred to me that this may seem like a shallow fickle infatuation, but I would do anything to assure you that has never been the case. The only thing I've doubted this entire time is... well, me. My thoughts about you never came into question. Not even once. Everything I feel about you is so much more than words could ever properly describe. I want to show you that, but... [ In a surge of bravery Oswald lightly placed his hand on Ed's knee, trying so hard to show his sincerity. ] I know whatever happens now is up to you, but please know that in my heart you're irreplaceable. You're everything. To me -- to me you're perfect. [ A fresh wave of tears began to run down his face, but he didn't falter. ] Edward, I would do anything for you. Anything.
[ Ed didn't move his hand away. He didn't move at all. He didn't aim to pull back. He didn't look away from him. He's trying to comprehend exactly what to do and how he feels about this and what it even means.
But he doesn't think he wants to leave. That's one decision made. Leaving the room isn't the right answer here.
Oswald's looking at him in a way that he simultaneously does and doesn't recognize. Something in the eyes. He's sure he's seen that expression on his face before. Sitting in front of a fire after Ed risked his life for him. (Because...?) Oswald had that looked and leaned forward and that's the only time Ed considered this outcome. He thought about this. Only a moment. But he hugged him and dismissed it.
He might have been disappointed about it. Dismissed at the time. As quickly as the thought came in. Lack of oxygen. Foolish thought. He would never-
Dismissed as an earnest expression Oswald puts towards people he values. Truly values. People he wouldn't stab in the back without a second thought. People he could-
Respect.
They've discussed love before. Called it a weakness yet continued to hold love in their hearts for the dearly departed. People who loved Oswald gave it so freely. Parents. Familial. Perhaps he's confused... Oswald's saying he doesn't doubt it. He's never questioned it. Accepted it as a fact. He doesn't doubt he feels something. A strong something. He's never felt this way before.
A crush. Crushes can be fleeting. The first one is the harshest.
Everything. Perfect. Words people don't give him. Kristen never said 'love' but he never thought she had to. She expressed it. He thinks. He's had the word slip out here but not as a straight and confident as Oswald declares it. Just noted as a potential. He dismissed it as an infatuation. Didn't want to stomp it down as he's had done to him. Repeatedly. Oswald's aware it sounds like infatuation at first. He's thought about it enough, he's sure.
Ed puts a hand over the one on his knee and inhales a breath. He tips his chin down, glancing down at that hand (Oswald has both now. It's noted. He doesn't do anything about it.) ]
Have you ever kissed someone before? [ Question 1. ]
[ It was strange to feel dreadful apprehension and hopeful anticipation so strongly all at once. Every negative worry seemed to have an opposite, vaguely brighter emotion that countered it. One second the fear seemed to win out, the next something in the way he was studying Ed's expression brought about the notion that there was the possibility that he didn't need to be afraid.
And then Ed took his hand. The smile that spread across his face moved so quickly, so genuinely, that he didn't even have time to think about it. His touch felt so right. Though possibly the most ridiculous thought he'd ever had, he wanted desperately to close his eyes and lose himself in the feeling, but when words that he had never expected came he lifted his eyes and the smile that resided on his features faded to something else entirely. ]
I -- [ Oswald felt himself staring for a fleeting handful of seconds, but not in shock like he had always assumed he would if something like this were to ever happen outside of his imagination and endless daydreaming. It was a momentary contemplation, however not one that lasted very long. Ed had definitely seen this look before. ] I haven't. But I want to. [ He hadn't even know that his voice could sound that soft, that sincere. In the past when he'd had this opportunity he'd been too afraid to take it, but why would he be given this second chance if it didn't mean anything? Something inside compelled him to lean closer, but that same force compelled him to act with more than his own desires in mind. He wouldn't be selfish. Deja vu with a new perspective. ] Tell me what you want.
[ Oswald might not know love like he's saying. He's never kissed anyone. He's never been in love. Ed keeps doubting he really means it. No one ever really means it. But you're his guy. Right? An obsession. Mistaken selfish desires. Their bond is undeniable and it could be easy to mistake feelings when you're unfamiliar with them. This is going to be bad for him. Oswald's wearing that smile again.
Ed is sure he knows, however. He's been in love. He can recognize love. He knows what it means and what one has to do to express it. And Ed knows everything, doesn't he? Do you know what you're feeling right now?
He has make it clear. Oswald leaned closer and Ed's having a harder time looking at him but keeps doing so. Forcing himself not to miss a detail here. A tell. Something validating the doubt. Something to clear this up. It's all a misunderstanding. This isn't real. Ed usually doesn't look this unsure of things. Just crumbling any stability and grasp he had on what was going on. Words he uses so superfluously on a regular basis failing him. Everything's caught in his throat.
Oswald's a puzzle. ] I-... [ Tell him. He doesn't know what he wants. It wasn't this, was it?
He's not sure. He has to test love. To solve this one. Figure it out what's real. This is probably a misunderstanding. That's why he leans in towards Oswald and does something he's only done to one other.
Then he pulls away, probably far sooner than the only chronologically living recipient of the action would like. A hand hovering closely to his mouth. Breath caught. He isn't looking at him anymore. ]
[ The validity of his love was something Oswald had never needed to question. It was true that he was inexperienced and often let his emotions overcome logic, but love was a feeling he did know. He wasn't intimately familiar with it in all of its forms, but in the end didn't all love make you feel similar things? Things like a desire to be around that person, to make them smile, to let them feel appreciated and understood?
But that wasn't all there was to it. You also needed to be willing to make choices that hurt one's self just so you might make their lives happier. That facet of love had been the hardest to learn. He'd almost taken too long. Maybe he already had. There was no way to be sure yet. Ed looked so... anxious. Out of control. Not in his element when he was always in his element. But still, watching with a gentle gaze, he dared to hope.
Then it happened, and the surprise he thought he'd prepared himself for was plain to see all over his face. The action made his heart beat in the most exhilarating way possible, and as the shock dissipated he found himself completely consumed by it. Eyes closed, his body angled close enough that he could feel the warmth emanating from the one he adored so dearly, he longed to caress his face and run his fingers through his hair, letting their bond be the only thing that existed for all of eternity, but --
But he pulled back. It was over. Wasn't it? Oswald could still feel the thrill of it spreading through him and the softness in the way they had connected. It was still so fresh that he couldn't even be sad that it had ended. He'd tipped his head down in a juvenile sort of shyness to hide the redness of his face and the way his hand had reached up to gingerly touch his lips, but when he looked up shortly after he could see that Ed hadn't felt anywhere the same about it as he did. Oswald froze up for a moment, his heart starting to sink as quickly as it had begun to soar. ]
...Ed? [ Oswald's eyebrows were furrowed. He looked conflicted. Felt conflicted. Was this it? The part where he had to sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of Ed's? Was he ready for that? He had to be. No other choices existed. But he wouldn't move his other hand until he knew with absolute certainty. Ed had once told him that he didn't have to wonder what was on his mind, he just needed to ask. So he would. No matter what the answer ended up being. ] What are you thinking?
[ Outside reflected a mess of emotions and thoughts on the inside. Ed isn't saying anything after. A completely arbitrary spot on the floor was chosen to focus attentions on.
Should he have done that?
His hand goes to ball up and he ends up just giving Oswald's a squeeze. Oh. Right. He forgot there was still contact. How long had that been there? He should take that back.
He doesn't. He just ends up staring at their hands like his head is completely elsewhere. ]
You know the last person that held my hand was strangled to death by it, right? [ It's blurted out.
[ In a way it felt wrong to see Ed's anxieties so openly out on display. It didn't spell out every thought that was going through his head, no, but it still said something. He wasn't sure that something was a thing he had entirely earned the right to see, but Ed still hadn't left. They were still there, together. When he felt his hand being squeezed, Oswald's own gaze landed at the same place Ed's was. It made him want to smile, but was that appropriate? He didn't know. He ended up biting his lip instead. ] What? [ He looked up at Ed again, trying to catch his eyes with his own. ] I've known that part of your past for quite a while, Ed. And I know you wouldn't hurt me. All you've ever done is try to prevent that, even if it meant you might be the one to get hurt instead. What happened before can't change how I feel right now. My trust is yours. You're the only one that's ever been able to earn it.
[ He's trying to hide those anxieties. Bury them down. He hadn't exactly wanted to state what he did. That wasn't even his main concern, was it? But he said something. He won't meet his eyes. He's hardly looking at him. Averting his gaze quickly after glancing up and catching Oswald trying to make eye contact.
He closes them instead. Shakes his head once. Tightens his jaw and inhales through his nose. What to do... what to do. He's composing himself. He looks back at him after a long moment, with a slightly better hold on things.
No. That was not the point he was trying to make with that comment. She hurt him first, didn't she? Not physically.
Ed wouldn't hurt Oswald. And the other way around? Well. He'll have to find out. ]
I do wish I could make this easier for you with a simple response. I don't mean to unintentionally toy with your emotions.
[ There was no use in forcing Ed to look at him. There were plenty of reasons he could think of why he wouldn't want to. If there was something else Oswald could say he certainly wasn't wise enough to know what it was, so he decided to simply watch the hands on the nearby clock move forward while the possibilities of his -- their -- future hung in a sense of limbo. He couldn't make Ed love him. Even if he did have that ability, he wouldn't use it. It had to be his choice or it didn't mean anything.
He felt Ed's gaze on him before he heard his voice, but regardless he waited until he was spoken to before looking back. Of course he would say that. Worry about his feelings. He didn't even deserve it at this point and still there had yet to be a straightforward rejection. He hadn't really been rejected at all thus far. It really was like everything was in limbo. He was stuck right on the line of being a happy man or... well, a very unhappy one. ]
I understand. [ Honestly, he did. ] If anything, I'm the guilty one. If I had just told you sooner... [ He trailed off, a sense of melancholy falling over his features. ] I'm sorry. If you need me to put my feelings aside, I will. For the sake of us remaining friends. Assuming you would want to.
[ Upsetting Oswald is the last thing he wants to do right now. But Ed is not giving a clear answer to this. He can't give one. Replying with a clear yes or no answer with such a delicate matter might lead to something regrettable if everything isn't taken into account. Feelings on the matter have to be sorted out.
He's looking at him again, having made a decision to reflect further upon this and not decide on anything right this minute. He knows how horrible it is to leave an answer left hanging but this isn't something that shouldn't be carefully deliberated. ]
You'll always be my best friend, Oswald. Remember that. [ Spoken with nothing but sincerity. Matter-of-fact. He wouldn't stop thinking so even if something got in the way. ]
I appreciate that you told me. [ Ed's own tone is purposely even - though with small pauses. Careful words. Eyes flickering up in thought for them in between focusing on his friend's face, studying it. Paying attention to certain aspects of it in detail. ] I'd rather not force you to continue as if nothing had been said at all. While currently incapable of deciding upon a course of action at the moment, an outright rejection of your now known affections is not on the table. I need to- [ He licks his lips. Goes to move his fingers around on his hand and seems mildly surprised he can't because he hasn't actually moved it away from Oswald's yet. ] -process and- [ He slips it away from him and places his hands on his lap, wiping it on his pant leg. ] Sorry. That was sweaty, wasn't it?
It would be hypocritical of me if I didn't. To make you wait so long yet be unwilling to give you time of your own would be...at best incredibly unfair. That's not to say I haven't been unfair to you this entire time. I know it must have been unnerving to be aware that I was keeping a secret from you. [ There was an undeniable tinge of regret in the way he spoke.
Oswald took pause for a moment, nodding slowly at the words. That they would always be best friends. It was reassurance that he would indeed remember, but it likely also served a second purpose as a buffer to how brutal the truth was going to be. Maybe it wasn't a simple answer because he'd interpreted so many things wrong, because Ed really had felt nothing in the gesture that he had seen nothing but beauty in, because his heart belonged to someone else as he had occasionally feared --
...he appreciated it? Why? Because the puzzle that had plagued him had finally been matched with an answer? And what was it that had him looking at his face so closely? Why were they still holding hands? ]
You... don't? [ Want him to pretend. Wouldn't it be easier on Ed if he did? Didn't things like this put a strain on friendship? Friendship was better than nothing. Maybe he could get Ed to reconsider if he used that angle. Surely he'd never accept him for real. The rejection wasn't outright, but -- ... he wasn't outright rejecting him? The concept of... them? Oswald stared at him for the briefest moment before realizing what he was attempting to do and loosening his grip enough for Ed to take his hand back. And then he was looking away and blushing again, and terribly so at that. ]
I-I hadn't noticed. It was probably my fault to begin with. [ What was he supposed to do now? ] I, um... thank you. [ Thank you for...? Listening to me? Believing me? Sharing with me a special moment that I've done nothing to deserve? Not rejecting me right away? Existing? All of those, maybe. He had such a strong desire to let go of his inhibitions and embrace him. To keep Ed close and in his arms as long as he could. But he didn't make a move. That would be going too far, wouldn't it? He was such a coward. ]
Edited (i literally got up out of bed to fix this) 2017-04-18 11:18 (UTC)
It was incredibly agitating. I wanted to pry the answer out of you. Apologies for being rude about it. I can imagine my provocations to try for it had ended up hurtful.
[ He needed the answer. If he didn't, they might not be having this conversation at all. He practically forced a confession out of him. But that's better for the both of them, having it out there. There should be no secrets between them, even if it's... whatever this is. He'd be slightly more forceful if they were to go back and repeat this and get it out sooner. ]
Repressing yourself for the take of a friendship that will still stay intact either way is pointless. And it may be. Enlightening. If I understood what differences in actions you may be taking without holding yourself back. I'm curious and I'm sure you're perfectly capable of not doing anything I'd clearly not in line with just yet. [ He holds his hand up a bit, wiggling his fingers. Hands. ] That was fine, for example. I suppose. [ Something timid about the way he looks off this time. Clears his throat. He looks back at him with more composure, something he gathers more of every time he looks away from him. Oswald is hard to keep a wall up around at the moment. He's vexing. ]
[ Firmly. ] Though please refrain from public displays of affection. I don't like those.
If memory serves I was the one who was hurtful to you first. I accept your apology, of course, but you really didn't need to give me one. As for me -- I don't think I can ever apologize enough.
[ Funny how sometimes you spend so much time worrying about hurting people that you end up hurting them. Unintentionally he'd sunken into himself a bit, both palms on either side of him flat against the couch as he bit at his lip in contemplation. A friendship that would stay intact either way. He lingered on that thought for a moment, just slightly smiling. Even if he ended up not having Ed, he'd still have him in the way he always had. It was sad but it was happy.
...or was it sad?
His eyebrows slowly rose at what else he had to say. Not even Oswald himself was sure what he would do if he wasn't holding back. Would it be that different? To him it seemed that the biggest difference is that Ed would know the real intent behind his actions instead of assuming everything he did was out of friendship only. His face turned a bit redder at what the implication of what "just yet" could mean, but despite his flustered state the timidness in Ed hadn't passed his notice. Was there really, actually a possibility? How silly was it that he wanted to giggle? But they were still being serious. Not now. ]
You don't need to worry about that. I'm not exactly the type for such things myself. [ Which he had always assumed was obvious, though perhaps not. ] I... admit that I hadn't considered what I would do if this was the direction things went. [ He looked off, nervously. ] What am I supposed to do now? [ He was so quiet that he may have been talking to himself. It was highly likely that he was. (He was.) Without thinking much about it he brought one hand to his mouth, his horrible habit of nail biting taking over. ]
[ Someone feels the need to apologize to him for loving him. What an odd event. One of their first conversations was about how love is a weakness and they're free without it. Invincible.
Would remove the heart if something came up?
Ed's watching him again, keeps doing so. Oswald's biting his lip. Oswald's smiling a little. Oswald's looking confused. He wonders how he must seem from his perspective. He thought he understood him better than this. There's a wave of disappointment for not solving the puzzle and needing to have it stated to him.
Oswald looks a little flustered. Ed has to turn his eyes down again. ]
I hadn't thought so. [ At least he had that part right. Too private for PDA. They both have an unspoken agreement to be somewhat secretive about even being publicly known friends here. It's better for gathering information, associates. Secrets. Advantageous. It was something he felt the need to state, however, to make it a bit clearer what he's open to. A roundabout way of granting a permission to ... act however he needs to act.
Oswald has no idea. Perhaps he was only restraining his words and acting upon everything else. What should he do? That might not have been directed at him but he responds to it all the same. Almost immediately. Like he's far too eager to know. ]
What do you want to do? [ Question 2. Head tipped down, looking at him very carefully. He got quiet back. Ed's own question asked in a quiet lower tone. An edge to it that could be hard to place.
Without a thought, Ed grabs the hand away from Oswald's mouth and lowers it. Horrible habit. Too distracting. He holds it hostage. Keep talking. ]
[ Not for loving him. He could never be sorry for that even if he wanted to be. No, what he was sorry for was that he had loved him in the entirely wrong way for so long.
For a while he had convinced himself that freedom really did come from the denial of love, but discovering that he had a father that accepted and wanted him even knowing the things he'd committed was enough to start cracking the barrier of that belief. And then, in some poetic irony, the very person who had led Oswald to think building that wall was the best chance they had was the one to demolish it completely.
For a while it hadn't even registered that Ed was watching him or even paying attention at all until his question was countered with another. What he wanted to do...? Lots of things. Thousands of things. But when their hands reunited and Oswald reacted with a shy grin so swift that he barely realized it was there until a handful of moment passed, a thought came to him. A ridiculous, overly sentimental thought, but... surely if he said it in that special way it would mean so much more, wouldn't it? ]
What I want is... well, to give you something. Something very important. [ Brief silence. Like he was thinking. It would never be good enough, but didn't need to be. It just needed to carry the message. ] A fraction of it can make something worthwhile. I find some every time you smile. What is it? [ He forced himself to keep looking at him, biting his lip nervously. He would know the answer, of course, but it was hard to predict how he would react, especially to something so excessively drenched in emotion. ]
[ How obvious had Oswald been about this to others around them? Ed hadn't noticed himself but he wasn't looking for it. If you know what someone loves, you know their weakness. Because that's what it is.
He should keep an eye out.
There he is holding that hand again. It takes him by surprise again, that much is obvious, but only at Oswald's reaction to it. That shy grin. Like he wasn't just pulling his nails out of his mouth because it annoyed him. He lets his grip on it go lax and almost hesitantly pulls his hand back into himself. ]
[ He's staring again. Ed hates how befuddled he is about this. Oswald has no right to be this vexing. The riddle is something he can assign an answer to quickly but he says it slowly, looking over his glasses at him like he's unsure of it. Even doubting that, it seems. It's not the riddle itself it's the context, that it's really his smile and not just an imaginary person for the sake of the riddle. ]
Happiness. You want to give me happiness. [ Oh. He understands this part of it, at least. The rest he'll have to come to grips with. His expression falls into something more familiar. Clear. A tight smile after first that he softens up. He straightens himself, having at some point slowly sank down into a bit of a hunch just to get better eye-level with him while doing everything to puzzle him out. ]
[ It really was ridiculous. Smiling like that when Ed hadn't done what he had for any affectionate reason. But it felt good to be free about it. To not have to turn his head or lie about what he was really thinking. He'd done so much lying, and not even that had saved him every time. Grell couldn't prove it, but she knew. She was too intuitive not to know. Dave... Dave was trustworthy. He hoped.
Oswald allowed his hand fall back to his lap, but his eyes trailed after Ed's hand for a bit longer than needed. He was probably only seeing what he wanted to. Did hesitation make sense? The answer to the riddle he'd posed didn't take long to come, and when it did he nodded several times. Once to confirm he was correct, although that was unnecessary. A second time to emphasize what he wanted. A third time because he was still nervous. Still biting his lip. ]
I figure that's something we can share regardless of what happens, so -- [ He hadn't realized what he'd said at first. He blinked, processing it. ] Really? [ Don't smile. Don't smile. Don't -- He was smiling. Maybe it didn't seem like much, but hearing that Ed accepted any part of this struck him in a way he hadn't thought it would. Which is probably why he ended up quickly leaning forward and wrapping his arms around him. ] Thank you for giving me a chance. [ He didnt't add anything else at first, but after a short while of silence he spoke up again in a voice not much above a whisper. ] I really am going to prove it, Ed. I'm going to prove to you that I mean what I'm saying. I promise that I will.
[ Oswald being happy is something he wants. Oswald needing him was always part of the plan. Ed wanted him depending on him for things. Enjoying his company. Trusting. Working with. Ed wanted to be indispensable. Immune to his wrath.
Utilized and taught and brought along.
Being loved works. Being loved romantically doesn't take anything he wants away. It adds to it somewhat. Logically, rejecting the advance works against him. His own feelings on the matter are irrelevant. That's what he tells himself.
His own feelings on the matter, which are irrelevant but there, bring his thoughts back to the action he took several moments earlier that was playing on a continuous loop behind every thought until now and is currently at the forefront. There's a desire to try it again. For science, of course. There's no science behind k-- Shut up.
He nods back at him while Oswald nods far too much, incapable of keeping the corners of his mouth from curling upwards at how endearingly silly that was of him. Nod. Nod. ] Am I making you nervous? [ The answer is yes, of course. Ditto.
Oswald's smiling. Ed forces himself to stop doing it. Oswald's leaning forward and- For science, was it?
It's a hug. Of course, it's a hug. He wouldn't be so bold. How ridiculous. Ed's still initially but hugs him right back, as he always does. Oswald has never had a hug rejected (Yet? He can't imagine a scenario where he would.) He doesn't know what to say to being thanked for opening a line to him. Granting him permission to try and win affections. He might already have those.
Ed didn't ask for proof but Oswald knows his doubts. He knew what it sounded like. That's all he could ask for, he supposes. Proof it's not some misconception. What is love, Oswald? Do you know?
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Keep moving forward. Keep moving forward. Ed deserves to know. ]
I... need to ask you something first. You've always been honest with me. You've always trusted me. Why?
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A flash of surprise. Confusion. Why is he asking that? ] Why? [ He repeats it. Is this a riddle? ] Because... [ He pauses, carefully considering the answer. He has that one, doesn't he? He licks his lips, looking away from him. Picking and choosing what to say. Because they're best friends. Because he never lied to him, about disliking him or not. And... Why is he asking that? ] Because I believe we're the same. [ Different. No one else measures up.
He states earnestly before his expression tightens, lips pressing together in a thin line again. Suspicious. Paranoid. He looks back at him quickly. ]
Why? [ A pause ] I must admit, if this is some sort of test of my trustworthiness... [ Why would you doubt him? ]
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The same.
Despite himself, a barely visible hint of a smile tugged at his lips. It was small and in a way very insecure, thoughts in the back of his mind telling him he had no business to be smiling at a time like this, but the notion was a comfort. He didn't hate him yet. His own expression was one quick to turn to surprise at what he said next, and without thinking he placed both hands over one of Ed's and shook his head intently. ]
I would never test your trust. I've never even thought about it. Ed, you are not the problem. Not in a single way, I assure you. It's just -- [ He realized it then. The sensation of skin against skin registered in his mind all at once and in a swift instant he withdrew his touch, an intense heat burning at his face in embarrassment. He repositioned himself so that he was turned away from Ed, the hands that were moments ago so at home where they had been now clenched and resting on his knees. Stupid. Moronic. Idiotic.
But he had to keep going. It took him a moment, but he did. ]
The reason I asked is because... because I don't deserve it. [ It was surprising how easily those words came. ] I've lied to you, Ed. In pursuit of keeping my secret I've told you so many mistruths and given so many roundabout answers that I can't possibly deserve your honesty anymore. I... I was selfish and I hurt you.
[ More and more emotion was into his voice and mannerisms as he went on, but as hard as it was he didn't try to vanquish the feelings or put himself in control again. Ed had been vulnerable to him. At his mercy, even. He'd trusted him with the side of himself he'd deemed lesser, yet --
Oswald froze. His expression was hard to pinpoint, but it was certain that he'd just realized something very important. Very important. Something he should have already known, but maybe it had fallen into place just when it needed to. Maybe he could really do this. With a determination he hadn't realized he possessed until that very second, he turned back to face the man beside him. ] There is one thing I haven't trusted you with, Ed, but I do want to share it with you. I'm ready to, if you'll let me. [ He inhaled, knowing that if he opened this door there was no going back. But did he want to go back? ] I'm strong and tough but can be broken in ways. If I stop working it's the end of your days. What am I?
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But Oswald showed up when he hadn't anything to offer so there was a certain camaraderie on top of it. Invaluable as a friend to Oswald, who is a emotional being. The only friend around. And yet here they are and he's been asked to explain why he even bothers. It's insulting. He thought it was obvious they were mutually beneficial to each-other, if only from a business standpoint.
He half expects him to say he's been replaced and services are no longer needed. Jokes on you. Friendship is and always has been a sham. Instead Oswald's got hands over his own and saying something about being undeserving of honesty. There's telling changes, both in tone and movement. That's not it then. Something is very wrong here. Unless this is a trick? Oswald is a convincing liar but not that convincing. There isn't anything to gain.
Ed keeps searching him, that cold look he was trying to keep on him to remain logical in approach is cracking. Ed just looks lost about it now. What deep shameful secret could it possibly be? He starts running a list of things he'd think Oswald would still be embarrassed to share. False identity? A split half that killed the other end? (He would have known that by now.) Disease? (Ed's tested him. He's sure he knows that.) A child? (Highly unlikely.) By all accounts it doesn't make sense and yet he's sat down here like Oswald is about to confess he's on his deathbed due to some horrible experimentation he felt the need to hide for foolish reasons. (Also unlikely.) ]
Your heart. [ . . . ?
Dumbfounded. He stares, unblinking. ] Is something wrong with it? [ How many heart conditions does he know off the top of his head? His father was dying of one before being poisoned by a wretched woman. He could easily solve that one. ]
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Oswald gave a small nod at the correct answer, but he had to stop himself from putting his fingers to his mouth out of nerves. He'd been almost certain Ed wouldn't understand the meaning at first, but that wasn't the conclusion he'd thought he would make. Once again he was shaking his head, and again he was reaching to touch him. Why fight it? His hand landed on his upper arm, grasping it in what he realized was an attempt to assure both of them. ]
There's nothing wrong with my heart, Ed. It's the complete opposite. I think I'm finally learning how to use it. [ A quiet, breathy laugh accompanied his words, as did an earnest albeit unassuming smile. He put his head down momentarily, but upon looking up again he knew he had to explain what that meant. He'd been counting on needing to explain. He needed to make Ed believe how important he was to him if his confession was going to mean anything in the end. ] Do you remember, before we were here, how I wished for someone to share my good fortune with? [ A short pause. ] I mean. Of course you remember. You would never forget. You remember everything about everyth-- [ He'd begun gesturing too much. Had he really started rambling like that? There was a tinge of embarrassment to his expression for the second time since they'd sat, but he didn't have time to stop and hide it this time. Hiding it wasn't going to help his case. But he did need to be as composed as possible to get the words to align themselves properly. After a short second, he began again. ]
After mother and father passed, I almost believed that I was meant to live the rest of my life without anyone beside me at all. It didn't feel possible that anyone could care about me so mutually again. Without... judging me or looking down on me or believing there's nothing at all in me that's good. But then there was you. [ His eyes had begun growing cloudy, emotion that had been pent up for so long on the verge of being released. He still hadn't withdrawn his hand. ] You're the only one that has been there to prove to me time and time that I'm not alone. You... you almost died for me, Ed. You were willing to sacrifice everything for me. Because you cared. There was nothing for you to gain, no game to win. It was because you cared. [ He took his hand back and covered his mouth, the water at the brim of his eyes becoming harder to keep dammed. Saying everything out loud made it feel even more real, even when he thought he couldn't have felt any more deeply than he already did. Is that what it felt like to really love someone? He blinked heavily in hopes that it would keep the tears from coming, but it barely mattered. It was only a matter of time before he cried. He couldn't stop it. He couldn't stop anything anymore. ]
What I've wanted to say is what you've done for me has changed me. [ His voice was cracking. He must have been both acting and looking a mess, but he didn't care. For once he just didn't care. ] You changed me, just by being you. I've discovered that for all my searching, the only person I could ever need or want was already with me. I know you might not believe anything I say because I've been so cruelly dishonest, but I'm begging you to understand that right now I'm being more honest with you than I've ever been with anyone in my entire life. I hid myself away because I didn't want to ruin what we already had, but the truth... [ His tears were finally flowing freely, but for a reason he couldn't explain he was still smiling that small smile of hope. He took Ed's hand, gently closing his own around it. ] The truth is, Ed, I adore you. Every single part of you. And I... I love you. Deeply, completely, truthfully, unquestionably. I love you, Edward Nygma.
[ And now all he could do was search his eyes and hope. Hope that somehow, someway, Ed would still accept him. That he would still care. That maybe best friends wasn't the only thing they could be. ]
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Oswald noted he wanted to share things with someone. The romantic. Oswald's getting emotional about it. His insides twist. Ed keeps staring ahead at him. He keeps his lip tightly shut. Jaw clenching. Displeased. Disappointed. He's not sure what he's feeling about it. He doesn't know what to say while Oswald goes on and he thinks it most likely won't be something Oswald's pleased with when he does finally say something. He's not exactly happy for him.
It doesn't make sense. It shouldn't have happened. Everyone here isn't someone to pursue a romance with. The only people around that are viable options for Oswald are people would might take advantage. This is going to get in the way of their friendship. A trick. A plot. A puzzle he should have noticed far sooner than now. He couldn't tell him because the other end of it is forcing him not to somehow. Oswald wouldn't think he feels this way otherwise, right?
'Because you cared.' And Ed thinks he's about to hear some foolish proposal that Oswald's about to get married in a brainwashed fit to some person he met a week ago. You cared and that's why you get to be best man. No. He has to turn that down. It puts a sour taste in his mouth and he thinks his head is throbbing. This is going to crush him and he starts working the correct way to speak against it.
Oswald's voice is cracking. He keeps putting the focus on Ed and he doesn't know why. He needs to tell him who it is so he can figure out what warped possession they've inflicted on his heart and to what end. It's enraging. Horrible. Ed's got fists for hands on his lap. He should have been paying more attention. He's trying to figure it out and there's blood pumping loud in his ears.
He should be paying more attention. He almost doesn't hear it. His breath hitches and he focuses back on Oswald completely. Like he just got slapped in the face. A bucket of ice water dumped over his head. Oswald with tears in his eyes looking at him far too hopefully to make any sort of sense. ]
What? [ It comes out a breathless whisper. Everything went silent. You could hear a penny drop. ] ...You... love me? [ That's ridiculous.
But he's saying it right to his face and there's an undeniable explanation for certain courses of action Oswald's taken. Words. Looks. Touches. It doesn't make sense but it does. ]
I- [ He questions the validity of the statement. It occurs to him that he's never heard those words out of anyone's mouth. Not even blood relations. Ed goes quiet. So very quiet. Just staring at him in some sort of shock. At a loss. Completely lost.
What the hell does that mean? Oswald wins. He stumped him. He had the wrong answer to this one.
Is that a good thing? ]
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What he couldn't have anticipated, though, was just what he would do when those three specific words came and were finally allowed to float freely in the space between them. Disbelief, even shock was an easy guess, but what was to come after that? Anger? Raw, unhesitating rejection? Would he say their friendship was over? Ask why Oswald was still lying even when he wasn't? As always, almost impossible to read. But something gave him a clue. Another thread of hope. Ed could have moved his hand away, but he hadn't. They were still connected.
And that gave him courage. ]
It's true. [ Oswald's reply was quiet as well, but not for lack of conviction. His expression remained the same. Open, earnest, loving. Accepting, even. Accepting that if Ed needed time, he'd give it to him. If Ed needed proof, he'd give it to him. Whatever he needed or wanted, Oswald wanted to provide it. For Ed, he wanted to be selfless. Had he ever truly wanted that before? ] I love you, Ed. No one has ever made me feel this way and no one else ever could. It's only you. [ He ventured a soft squeeze of Ed's hand, eyes still locked on his. His face remained stained with tears, and although for a moment he wondered if that would make him look weaker he dismissed the notion. No hiding. Honesty only. ]
It... it has occurred to me that this may seem like a shallow fickle infatuation, but I would do anything to assure you that has never been the case. The only thing I've doubted this entire time is... well, me. My thoughts about you never came into question. Not even once. Everything I feel about you is so much more than words could ever properly describe. I want to show you that, but... [ In a surge of bravery Oswald lightly placed his hand on Ed's knee, trying so hard to show his sincerity. ] I know whatever happens now is up to you, but please know that in my heart you're irreplaceable. You're everything. To me -- to me you're perfect. [ A fresh wave of tears began to run down his face, but he didn't falter. ] Edward, I would do anything for you. Anything.
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But he doesn't think he wants to leave. That's one decision made. Leaving the room isn't the right answer here.
Oswald's looking at him in a way that he simultaneously does and doesn't recognize. Something in the eyes. He's sure he's seen that expression on his face before. Sitting in front of a fire after Ed risked his life for him. (Because...?) Oswald had that looked and leaned forward and that's the only time Ed considered this outcome. He thought about this. Only a moment. But he hugged him and dismissed it.
He might have been disappointed about it. Dismissed at the time. As quickly as the thought came in. Lack of oxygen. Foolish thought. He would never-
Dismissed as an earnest expression Oswald puts towards people he values. Truly values. People he wouldn't stab in the back without a second thought. People he could-
Respect.
They've discussed love before. Called it a weakness yet continued to hold love in their hearts for the dearly departed. People who loved Oswald gave it so freely. Parents. Familial. Perhaps he's confused... Oswald's saying he doesn't doubt it. He's never questioned it. Accepted it as a fact. He doesn't doubt he feels something. A strong something. He's never felt this way before.
A crush. Crushes can be fleeting. The first one is the harshest.
Everything. Perfect. Words people don't give him. Kristen never said 'love' but he never thought she had to. She expressed it. He thinks. He's had the word slip out here but not as a straight and confident as Oswald declares it. Just noted as a potential. He dismissed it as an infatuation. Didn't want to stomp it down as he's had done to him. Repeatedly. Oswald's aware it sounds like infatuation at first. He's thought about it enough, he's sure.
Ed puts a hand over the one on his knee and inhales a breath. He tips his chin down, glancing down at that hand (Oswald has both now. It's noted. He doesn't do anything about it.) ]
Have you ever kissed someone before? [ Question 1. ]
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And then Ed took his hand. The smile that spread across his face moved so quickly, so genuinely, that he didn't even have time to think about it. His touch felt so right. Though possibly the most ridiculous thought he'd ever had, he wanted desperately to close his eyes and lose himself in the feeling, but when words that he had never expected came he lifted his eyes and the smile that resided on his features faded to something else entirely. ]
I -- [ Oswald felt himself staring for a fleeting handful of seconds, but not in shock like he had always assumed he would if something like this were to ever happen outside of his imagination and endless daydreaming. It was a momentary contemplation, however not one that lasted very long. Ed had definitely seen this look before. ] I haven't. But I want to. [ He hadn't even know that his voice could sound that soft, that sincere. In the past when he'd had this opportunity he'd been too afraid to take it, but why would he be given this second chance if it didn't mean anything? Something inside compelled him to lean closer, but that same force compelled him to act with more than his own desires in mind. He wouldn't be selfish. Deja vu with a new perspective. ] Tell me what you want.
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Ed is sure he knows, however. He's been in love. He can recognize love. He knows what it means and what one has to do to express it. And Ed knows everything, doesn't he? Do you know what you're feeling right now?
He has make it clear. Oswald leaned closer and Ed's having a harder time looking at him but keeps doing so. Forcing himself not to miss a detail here. A tell. Something validating the doubt. Something to clear this up. It's all a misunderstanding. This isn't real. Ed usually doesn't look this unsure of things. Just crumbling any stability and grasp he had on what was going on. Words he uses so superfluously on a regular basis failing him. Everything's caught in his throat.
Oswald's a puzzle. ] I-... [ Tell him. He doesn't know what he wants. It wasn't this, was it?
He's not sure. He has to test love. To solve this one. Figure it out what's real. This is probably a misunderstanding. That's why he leans in towards Oswald and does something he's only done to one other.
Then he pulls away, probably far sooner than the only chronologically living recipient of the action would like. A hand hovering closely to his mouth. Breath caught. He isn't looking at him anymore. ]
Oh god.
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But that wasn't all there was to it. You also needed to be willing to make choices that hurt one's self just so you might make their lives happier. That facet of love had been the hardest to learn. He'd almost taken too long. Maybe he already had. There was no way to be sure yet. Ed looked so... anxious. Out of control. Not in his element when he was always in his element. But still, watching with a gentle gaze, he dared to hope.
Then it happened, and the surprise he thought he'd prepared himself for was plain to see all over his face. The action made his heart beat in the most exhilarating way possible, and as the shock dissipated he found himself completely consumed by it. Eyes closed, his body angled close enough that he could feel the warmth emanating from the one he adored so dearly, he longed to caress his face and run his fingers through his hair, letting their bond be the only thing that existed for all of eternity, but --
But he pulled back. It was over. Wasn't it? Oswald could still feel the thrill of it spreading through him and the softness in the way they had connected. It was still so fresh that he couldn't even be sad that it had ended. He'd tipped his head down in a juvenile sort of shyness to hide the redness of his face and the way his hand had reached up to gingerly touch his lips, but when he looked up shortly after he could see that Ed hadn't felt anywhere the same about it as he did. Oswald froze up for a moment, his heart starting to sink as quickly as it had begun to soar. ]
...Ed? [ Oswald's eyebrows were furrowed. He looked conflicted. Felt conflicted. Was this it? The part where he had to sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of Ed's? Was he ready for that? He had to be. No other choices existed. But he wouldn't move his other hand until he knew with absolute certainty. Ed had once told him that he didn't have to wonder what was on his mind, he just needed to ask. So he would. No matter what the answer ended up being. ] What are you thinking?
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Should he have done that?
His hand goes to ball up and he ends up just giving Oswald's a squeeze. Oh. Right. He forgot there was still contact. How long had that been there? He should take that back.
He doesn't. He just ends up staring at their hands like his head is completely elsewhere. ]
You know the last person that held my hand was strangled to death by it, right? [ It's blurted out.
Well. He's thinking about a lot of things. ]
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He closes them instead. Shakes his head once. Tightens his jaw and inhales through his nose. What to do... what to do. He's composing himself. He looks back at him after a long moment, with a slightly better hold on things.
No. That was not the point he was trying to make with that comment. She hurt him first, didn't she? Not physically.
Ed wouldn't hurt Oswald. And the other way around? Well. He'll have to find out. ]
I do wish I could make this easier for you with a simple response. I don't mean to unintentionally toy with your emotions.
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He felt Ed's gaze on him before he heard his voice, but regardless he waited until he was spoken to before looking back. Of course he would say that. Worry about his feelings. He didn't even deserve it at this point and still there had yet to be a straightforward rejection. He hadn't really been rejected at all thus far. It really was like everything was in limbo. He was stuck right on the line of being a happy man or... well, a very unhappy one. ]
I understand. [ Honestly, he did. ] If anything, I'm the guilty one. If I had just told you sooner... [ He trailed off, a sense of melancholy falling over his features. ] I'm sorry. If you need me to put my feelings aside, I will. For the sake of us remaining friends. Assuming you would want to.
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[ Upsetting Oswald is the last thing he wants to do right now. But Ed is not giving a clear answer to this. He can't give one. Replying with a clear yes or no answer with such a delicate matter might lead to something regrettable if everything isn't taken into account. Feelings on the matter have to be sorted out.
He's looking at him again, having made a decision to reflect further upon this and not decide on anything right this minute. He knows how horrible it is to leave an answer left hanging but this isn't something that shouldn't be carefully deliberated. ]
You'll always be my best friend, Oswald. Remember that. [ Spoken with nothing but sincerity. Matter-of-fact. He wouldn't stop thinking so even if something got in the way. ]
I appreciate that you told me. [ Ed's own tone is purposely even - though with small pauses. Careful words. Eyes flickering up in thought for them in between focusing on his friend's face, studying it. Paying attention to certain aspects of it in detail. ] I'd rather not force you to continue as if nothing had been said at all. While currently incapable of deciding upon a course of action at the moment, an outright rejection of your now known affections is not on the table. I need to- [ He licks his lips. Goes to move his fingers around on his hand and seems mildly surprised he can't because he hasn't actually moved it away from Oswald's yet. ] -process and- [ He slips it away from him and places his hands on his lap, wiping it on his pant leg. ] Sorry. That was sweaty, wasn't it?
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Oswald took pause for a moment, nodding slowly at the words. That they would always be best friends. It was reassurance that he would indeed remember, but it likely also served a second purpose as a buffer to how brutal the truth was going to be. Maybe it wasn't a simple answer because he'd interpreted so many things wrong, because Ed really had felt nothing in the gesture that he had seen nothing but beauty in, because his heart belonged to someone else as he had occasionally feared --
...he appreciated it? Why? Because the puzzle that had plagued him had finally been matched with an answer? And what was it that had him looking at his face so closely? Why were they still holding hands? ]
You... don't? [ Want him to pretend. Wouldn't it be easier on Ed if he did? Didn't things like this put a strain on friendship? Friendship was better than nothing. Maybe he could get Ed to reconsider if he used that angle. Surely he'd never accept him for real. The rejection wasn't outright, but -- ... he wasn't outright rejecting him? The concept of... them? Oswald stared at him for the briefest moment before realizing what he was attempting to do and loosening his grip enough for Ed to take his hand back. And then he was looking away and blushing again, and terribly so at that. ]
I-I hadn't noticed. It was probably my fault to begin with. [ What was he supposed to do now? ] I, um... thank you. [ Thank you for...? Listening to me? Believing me? Sharing with me a special moment that I've done nothing to deserve? Not rejecting me right away? Existing? All of those, maybe. He had such a strong desire to let go of his inhibitions and embrace him. To keep Ed close and in his arms as long as he could. But he didn't make a move. That would be going too far, wouldn't it? He was such a coward. ]
action;
[ He needed the answer. If he didn't, they might not be having this conversation at all. He practically forced a confession out of him. But that's better for the both of them, having it out there. There should be no secrets between them, even if it's... whatever this is. He'd be slightly more forceful if they were to go back and repeat this and get it out sooner. ]
Repressing yourself for the take of a friendship that will still stay intact either way is pointless. And it may be. Enlightening. If I understood what differences in actions you may be taking without holding yourself back. I'm curious and I'm sure you're perfectly capable of not doing anything I'd clearly not in line with just yet. [ He holds his hand up a bit, wiggling his fingers. Hands. ] That was fine, for example. I suppose. [ Something timid about the way he looks off this time. Clears his throat. He looks back at him with more composure, something he gathers more of every time he looks away from him. Oswald is hard to keep a wall up around at the moment. He's vexing. ]
[ Firmly. ] Though please refrain from public displays of affection. I don't like those.
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[ Funny how sometimes you spend so much time worrying about hurting people that you end up hurting them. Unintentionally he'd sunken into himself a bit, both palms on either side of him flat against the couch as he bit at his lip in contemplation. A friendship that would stay intact either way. He lingered on that thought for a moment, just slightly smiling. Even if he ended up not having Ed, he'd still have him in the way he always had. It was sad but it was happy.
...or was it sad?
His eyebrows slowly rose at what else he had to say. Not even Oswald himself was sure what he would do if he wasn't holding back. Would it be that different? To him it seemed that the biggest difference is that Ed would know the real intent behind his actions instead of assuming everything he did was out of friendship only. His face turned a bit redder at what the implication of what "just yet" could mean, but despite his flustered state the timidness in Ed hadn't passed his notice. Was there really, actually a possibility? How silly was it that he wanted to giggle? But they were still being serious. Not now. ]
You don't need to worry about that. I'm not exactly the type for such things myself. [ Which he had always assumed was obvious, though perhaps not. ] I... admit that I hadn't considered what I would do if this was the direction things went. [ He looked off, nervously. ] What am I supposed to do now? [ He was so quiet that he may have been talking to himself. It was highly likely that he was. (He was.) Without thinking much about it he brought one hand to his mouth, his horrible habit of nail biting taking over. ]
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Would remove the heart if something came up?
Ed's watching him again, keeps doing so. Oswald's biting his lip. Oswald's smiling a little. Oswald's looking confused. He wonders how he must seem from his perspective. He thought he understood him better than this. There's a wave of disappointment for not solving the puzzle and needing to have it stated to him.
Oswald looks a little flustered. Ed has to turn his eyes down again. ]
I hadn't thought so. [ At least he had that part right. Too private for PDA. They both have an unspoken agreement to be somewhat secretive about even being publicly known friends here. It's better for gathering information, associates. Secrets. Advantageous. It was something he felt the need to state, however, to make it a bit clearer what he's open to. A roundabout way of granting a permission to ... act however he needs to act.
Oswald has no idea. Perhaps he was only restraining his words and acting upon everything else. What should he do? That might not have been directed at him but he responds to it all the same. Almost immediately. Like he's far too eager to know. ]
What do you want to do? [ Question 2. Head tipped down, looking at him very carefully. He got quiet back. Ed's own question asked in a quiet lower tone. An edge to it that could be hard to place.
Without a thought, Ed grabs the hand away from Oswald's mouth and lowers it. Horrible habit. Too distracting. He holds it hostage. Keep talking. ]
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For a while he had convinced himself that freedom really did come from the denial of love, but discovering that he had a father that accepted and wanted him even knowing the things he'd committed was enough to start cracking the barrier of that belief. And then, in some poetic irony, the very person who had led Oswald to think building that wall was the best chance they had was the one to demolish it completely.
For a while it hadn't even registered that Ed was watching him or even paying attention at all until his question was countered with another. What he wanted to do...? Lots of things. Thousands of things. But when their hands reunited and Oswald reacted with a shy grin so swift that he barely realized it was there until a handful of moment passed, a thought came to him. A ridiculous, overly sentimental thought, but... surely if he said it in that special way it would mean so much more, wouldn't it? ]
What I want is... well, to give you something. Something very important. [ Brief silence. Like he was thinking. It would never be good enough, but didn't need to be. It just needed to carry the message. ] A fraction of it can make something worthwhile. I find some every time you smile. What is it? [ He forced himself to keep looking at him, biting his lip nervously. He would know the answer, of course, but it was hard to predict how he would react, especially to something so excessively drenched in emotion. ]
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He should keep an eye out.
There he is holding that hand again. It takes him by surprise again, that much is obvious, but only at Oswald's reaction to it. That shy grin. Like he wasn't just pulling his nails out of his mouth because it annoyed him. He lets his grip on it go lax and almost hesitantly pulls his hand back into himself. ]
[ He's staring again. Ed hates how befuddled he is about this. Oswald has no right to be this vexing. The riddle is something he can assign an answer to quickly but he says it slowly, looking over his glasses at him like he's unsure of it. Even doubting that, it seems. It's not the riddle itself it's the context, that it's really his smile and not just an imaginary person for the sake of the riddle. ]
Happiness. You want to give me happiness. [ Oh. He understands this part of it, at least. The rest he'll have to come to grips with. His expression falls into something more familiar. Clear. A tight smile after first that he softens up. He straightens himself, having at some point slowly sank down into a bit of a hunch just to get better eye-level with him while doing everything to puzzle him out. ]
I can accept that.
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Oswald allowed his hand fall back to his lap, but his eyes trailed after Ed's hand for a bit longer than needed. He was probably only seeing what he wanted to. Did hesitation make sense? The answer to the riddle he'd posed didn't take long to come, and when it did he nodded several times. Once to confirm he was correct, although that was unnecessary. A second time to emphasize what he wanted. A third time because he was still nervous. Still biting his lip. ]
I figure that's something we can share regardless of what happens, so -- [ He hadn't realized what he'd said at first. He blinked, processing it. ] Really? [ Don't smile. Don't smile. Don't -- He was smiling. Maybe it didn't seem like much, but hearing that Ed accepted any part of this struck him in a way he hadn't thought it would. Which is probably why he ended up quickly leaning forward and wrapping his arms around him. ] Thank you for giving me a chance. [ He didnt't add anything else at first, but after a short while of silence he spoke up again in a voice not much above a whisper. ] I really am going to prove it, Ed. I'm going to prove to you that I mean what I'm saying. I promise that I will.
action;
Utilized and taught and brought along.
Being loved works.
Being loved romantically doesn't take anything he wants away. It adds to it somewhat. Logically, rejecting the advance works against him. His own feelings on the matter are irrelevant. That's what he tells himself.
His own feelings on the matter, which are irrelevant but there, bring his thoughts back to the action he took several moments earlier that was playing on a continuous loop behind every thought until now and is currently at the forefront. There's a desire to try it again. For science, of course. There's no science behind k-- Shut up.
He nods back at him while Oswald nods far too much, incapable of keeping the corners of his mouth from curling upwards at how endearingly silly that was of him. Nod. Nod. ] Am I making you nervous? [ The answer is yes, of course. Ditto.
Oswald's smiling. Ed forces himself to stop doing it. Oswald's leaning forward and- For science, was it?
It's a hug. Of course, it's a hug. He wouldn't be so bold. How ridiculous. Ed's still initially but hugs him right back, as he always does. Oswald has never had a hug rejected (Yet? He can't imagine a scenario where he would.) He doesn't know what to say to being thanked for opening a line to him. Granting him permission to try and win affections. He might already have those.
Ed didn't ask for proof but Oswald knows his doubts. He knew what it sounded like. That's all he could ask for, he supposes. Proof it's not some misconception. What is love, Oswald? Do you know?
He holds on a little tighter. ]